silver4's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cameo

I am in SJ and I'm actually a little bored because I hate not having anything real to do. I'm staying with roommate, who is being lame occasionally and claims that she is trying to study but she is texting her boyfriend literally every two minutes. She also has quite annoying taste, but it's her interest, not mine. I'm surprisingly ready to go back to LV, because of lack of options. If this were sf, at least I could wander, but here you need a car or you're assed out.

Yesterday I got in, yay fun, sj is pretty. After some wandering and drinking, we went to the house of the groom, and roomie left me there for a bit while she "studied", and I helped them set up and put shit together. But then the mom was going a little overboard with her requests of my assistance; I was offering help some, but then she was like "oh do you bake?" and I slowly affirmed, and she asked me if I could make some chocolate chip cookies because her son (groom) had wanted some for the wedding and she was tired. I glanced and saw three huge Costco sized bags of chocolate chips, and I was like you have to be fuckin kidding me. So I said maybe, and busied myself with other mini tasks. When she asked me to clean the oven, I texted roomie that it was time to pick me up. This lady was being so lazy, she was folding a tablecloth in front of me, and when there were two folds left to complete it, she asked me to finish. I thought is this bitch crazy? But I kindly folded the remainder in about 2 seconds. And they didn't hire any help for the wedding reception, and no caterers, and they wonder why they are going crazy. And the bride's girls are all mia, nobody helping. She was like "oh is that what a maid of honor is supposed to do?" when I said that I've been such in a couple weddings and helped keep things together. It's amazing this is coming together.

On my fb I posted that I was in sj, and one of my clinic instructors commented that I should visit her since she lived there. So I had roomie drop me off at her house and I was there for maybe 4 hours; she's such a wonderful lady, someone I will stay in touch with. She's like my school mom.

What else? Other than that, I was invited to go on a trip to LA and extend my Cali stay with my friends MJ and JN, but they never got it together all the way and keep being vague and indecisive, and this involves me changing my flight, but my flight is Sunday. So I got another indecisive response today and a "when's the latest you have to know?" and I decided fuck this, I don't work this way, so I am skipping the ill-planned trip. I said I was down initially, but if people can't decide, I can't care.

Finally, I couldn't sleep well last night, but then again, I never do. This time though, after several rounds of wake and sleep, and a bout of night terrors which I used to get regularly but it's been over a year since my last round, I had a dream about R. Mind you, I never have dreams of R. Never. We were at a party, there were a lot of faculty drs there, but a lot of friends too. It was normal like any other party, and I wasn't really talking to him much. Nothing intentionally evasive, but just socializing with others. Drinking of course. So R is drunk and comes up to me, just as he would irl, and stares at me. I ask what's up. He says "I'm sorry, I can't do this any more; I love you," and he comes to kiss me, but I turn away so his kiss brushes my cheek. I look at him like he's crazy and ask what?? And he says it again,"I love you, I'm sorry," and tries to kiss me again, as I quickly avoid the kiss again. I tell him "no, this doesn't work, you're drunk, stop it." he's doing this in front of our friends and so he pulls me away and I tell him that he's being stupid, but he says that he doesn't care anymore and is tired of us being this way, and then he comes to kiss me again and I let him. And then he won't let me go: all night he's holding me and hugging me and kissing me, telling me how he feels, you know, all the stuff that will never be irl. And I just give in because it's obviously what I want, but at least in the dream I never let myself be weak, I was always cautious and questioned his state of mind.

But that's basically it. Like I said, I never have dreams of R. I don't dream of M. Hell, I don't have dreams of any guys to be honest, at least not in any romantic way; it's always school related. Actually, I remember having a fight dream with R not too long ago; that's more realistic. Point is, in spite of my shitty intermittent sleep schedule and my lack of proximity to R or any guy who could be the holder of my emotions, my subconscious decided to throw him right into my face and tap on that weak part of me. My subconscious is kind enough to let me know that I'm not over R, or that I still care somewhat about him, or that I still desire his affection, or something. Something. At least when I am awake, I have reality. Although reality is less emotionally satisfying, it is what it is, and it will have to do.

Good night for now. Hopefully I will sleep.

12:45 a.m. - 2010-07-10

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

latest entry

about me

archives

notes

DiaryLand

contact

random entry

other diaries:

pettyquarrel
ninabean
acuteapathy
newschick
evilyoyo
wafa27
moonsocket
simeons-twin
ratherbored
warpednormal
deathoffsure
erari
fragilegirl8
cloudy-night