silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Linger I got a call from JN, who graduated the year before me. He's in colorado now, and I haven't spoken to him verbally in over a year, basically since he left. The situation with him is that he always had some crazy attraction to me, and I've enjoyed being around him because he's entertaining in spite of all of his lude and crude comments towards me. People can't tolerate him but I have managed to all along. It doesn't hurt that he always would take me out to lunch or sometimes dinner whenever he could catch me at school that last year together. I have him in a few entries from last year. He always alluded to us hooking up one day, and always had some commentary to throw my way. He is a few years older than me, but he would never reveal his age to me, but it's only like three years or so, yet he wants to keep the mystery as if there is one. He makes me feel desired and he says he can't live in my city because he'd be distracted by the temptation of me. :) he's sweet. But everyone else basically thinks he's a dick. So he called to say he was thinking about me and hasn't forgotten me, that he was at a wedding when he called and had just heard a song that reminded him of when we danced together on a boat cruise our school did at the end of last school year (like I'd really remember what song I danced to with him?? Come on, I dance with everybody and I was always drunk), and he thought of the things that we didn't get to do (I knew he wanted to sleep with me but i was with everyone else and I'm not the kind of girl that hooks up with someone in front of everyone so that people can then have the opportunity to talk about me...no. Maybe that would be good for his reputation, but not mine). However, I do flirt with him, like I do with everyone else, so even a year without interacting with him, and we still have our friendship where we last left it. Anyways, he's opening up a practice in a few months out there and he wants me to come visit him this month since I have nothing else to do really, and he says he will accommodate me and take care of me and blah blah blah. And I am actually considering it. The only thing is the obvious thing, in which I know, I know, he wants to sleep with me. Not like I'm arrogant, I'm anything but; he's pretty much told me so, several times, and I just play it off and tell him that he's being silly, like I tell any other guy who throws their "desire" for me out there (CF, JS...), I always play it off and attribute it to their being drunk etc. And I'm not attracted to him either, and to be honest, I think some of these guys want to get with me not only because of their infatuations and never-ending craving for my awesomeness, but also because I'm black and they haven't been with a black girl. I mean, JS I've known for over a decade so we are cool on the friend first level (I hope), but honestly, M has said it, CF has said it, JN says it. T had said it... I think that's all I can think of for now. And I obviously don't care who is what background, I've dabbled in most. I've never been with an Asian guy though (not attracted to me maybe? Yet my whole crew in sf was all Asian, with R Indian) so I suppose JN could be the first... But I don't want to be like that. I'm not promiscuous... I have my moments but I mostly keep it in check. I'm straying from the point. My point is that I really want these damn guys to just stop wanting to hook up and just be satisfied being my friend. I could use a good platonic guy friend. M is sort of that, but I'm sleeping with him, so that's screwed. R was a good option but my fault, I fell in love with him. JN could be that but he can't stop telling me how much he wants me. Just... Come on. I know I always apologize, if not on here then silently in my bed at night, but I apologize for the mistake I made with T and the repeat offense with H and M (who, again today, kept repeating that he loves me), but I promise not to do that to any more, like no new ones. Karma attacks me as if I'm the only woman to have ever been caught up in a damn affair. Okay, I get it, I'm sorry. I got my punishment with R, that was the ultimate punishment. Every tortured emotion, all rolled up into one individual who brought out the best and definitely the worst in me. Now I just want two things...no, three. No, four. One, I want guys to be my friend and just that (ooh, actually AT is probably the one, we can hang out and drink and party and talk about our drama with the opposite sex and never have interest in eachother, even though he is this big, strong, muscular, good cook, attractive Persian man). Two, eventually I want a single man for me and only me. Three, I want to shake hands with karma and call a truce. Four, I want some pho. I am CRAVING pho and a Vietnamese sandwich, but it takes a 20 minute drive to get to the side of town where there is a Vietnamese restaurant. And I did check on yelp to see if maybe there was a hidden one around here. Nope. Anyways, that's it. Oh, five, I want to find a job soon. If anything, I can definitely get that pho and sandwich tomorrow. I know it's like 100 degrees outside and all, but the taste is irresistable. The end, it's 3:30, I should sleep now. 2:45 a.m. - 2010-08-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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