silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Emo me So last night, I get myself all worked up with the fact that I knew he was in town and I knew he wasn't going to call me. I needed a girl friend to just hang out and drink a little with. I text around and everyone sucks, and I text AT to see what he's doing but he's going to sf for a wedding. He tells me to hang with his gf though, so I text her. She's going to a bday dinner thing at a hookah lounge by the strip and says I can tag along, so with some hesitation, I go. I just want to be out and drink my thoughts away from him. I get dressed and peace out, telling dad I'll be back soon because friend, MG (G stands for girl until I know her last name...), has to work in the morn and doesn't plan on being out too late. So on my drive down there, I'm texting other people (at stop lights, not while I drive), and I am shocked to see that R texts me: "we're gonna be in Vegas tonight". My heart just stops at that moment. I had convinced myself that he was going to be a bitch friend and hurt me by not saying anything at all, I was so sure of it! So I choked up a little, because, like I said, I'm still weak, and my world just... I don't know. I was so happy in that moment, you don't know. So I texted him back saying I would be close to the strip and to hit me back with his plans. Blah blah, meet new people, smoke some hookah, drink some beer and aaah I got pretty drunk there so I switched to water. Gg me. I eventually leave and go to the club R is at, and when I finally get in and finally find him... :) seeing him is like going to another country and seeing the new sky and the ocean and the beauty... Okay, I give him too much credit, but come on, I was in love with him. Still am? Ugh. So we hug and say hi and he is lovely and I am so well behaved, I impress myself. And his friends come up to me, we had met before when they came to sf and lv on other occasions, so they were super excited to see me too. It was beautiful, I couldn't have planned it any better. One of his guys keeps grabbing me and dancing with me, which is good because it's always good to show R that my focus is not completely on him. I dance with the friend a lot, but then I feel him pushing me and R together to dance. He is literally arms out around both of us pushing us, and I'm like okay, I get it. He does that several times. So overall, it was an awesome night. Lots of dancing and I got pretty drunk there with R, but I was soooo good I love that I had self control! No lovey shit, no jealous shit, I gave him attention but I gave it to everyone else as well. We all go back to their hotel rooms and wander and blah blah, and then it's me and R and his 2 friends that I know most, and we are all chatty, and then the friends leave, they just disappear without saying anything. And I'm messing with the mp3 player that someone has blaring, I turn it down and try to find a song that R wants to hear, and then I'm like umm your friends left. He's like yeah, hm. So I pretend I'm ignorant and he makes us some more drinks (so unnecessary at this point). And he keeps saying shit like he had said to me back in sf, like "you're killing me" and "what are you doing??" when I wasn't doing anything, I was merely drinking and playing with music and chatting with him, being silly. He was trying to get something out of me but I wouldn't give in. I played his game beautifully. Then he said "my friends probably think we're humping right now". I'm not a fan of that word, so in my head it was "my friends probably think we are hooking up right now". I played the game, and didn't take the bait. I said "nah, they know how you are and they don't know much about me but I'm sure they don't think that I'm like that" and I basically shrug it off. He keeps reaching and saying his little three word phrases, and I keep it cool and light. Eventually we crash, I'm too drunk to even consider driving, so I lay with him and he holds me and I forget the bulk of the conversation, but in the end I do say I miss him and miss being with him and he says more of his leading phrases that I don't take. And I fall asleep beside him. Now the girly part of me gives in and says that I love him. Ahhhh... Now back to reality. I leave early this morn because I am going to this event that my mom is helping put together, to basically support her. And so I wake up and look at the time and I'm like well fuck, I should leave now, although I'd love to be beside him more. I get dressed, reluctantly, but it's still to my advantage because I'm not being a pussy and trying to cuddle anymore with the man I love and can't have. I whisper that I have to be somewhere and bye, and he reaches out hand and grabs mine and locks fingers, and god I'm such a wimp. But I say bye again, although you know I'd rather just sit there and stare at him and have "accidental" brushes with his skin. I know. Weak. Anyways, that's it. I texted him and said call me later and let me know what's up for today. I have to shower soon, but I have these questions: why did his friend push us together, and why would he say that they think we are hooking up, and why did he keep alluding to me doing or saying something when I was not? Does he say stuff about me to them? Apparently so, IMO. Does that mean he actually gives a shit? Who knows. I will take it all with a grain of sand. I am just overwhelmingly happy that I got to see him. I may not have had the privilege of kissing him again, and I'm sure I will never get the chance to make love to him, but he made me the happiest girl for a moment with one text. 10:14 a.m. - 2010-09-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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