silver4's Diaryland Diary

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Indiff? Obv.

Last night, my sister L came by for dinner. She asked me if I'm dating anybody.

- "Not right now," I say.
- "You need to go out with A [her little sis] and meet some guys because she wants to find somebody too!"
- "yeah...nah... I'm good..."
- confusion on her face: "oh, you have too many to decide between right now huh!"
- "nah...not really, I'm just good solo"
- apparently this is unfathomable; further confusion. "what do you mean?"
- I roll my eyes. Or my inner self does. I outwardly express nothing, as I have grown quite accustomed to. "i'm indifferent. I don't really care."
- "indifferent?? oh, so you have somebody then?" "
- what, is that a foreign word? "I don't really care one way or another about dating anyone right now"
- she laughs.

Apparently my love life is too complicated. One, I don't talk to everyone about my dating life. Two, yeah, I want someone special. But three, I'm not going to go on a man-hunt with a 21 year old in Vegas, girls night, find guys, woo hoo. I'm not like that. I've never been like that. What, meet the love of my life in a club? The guys who hit on me in clubs do so because I dress like a typical Vegas club girl, I love to dance, I love to be drunk, and oh yeah, those guys are all basically visitors. I don't want a one night stand. And I'm not going to plop myself in the middle of a group of men with hopes that a mutual attraction comes forth. It'll happen when it happens. We all know I am eternally fucked up by adventures with R. I can admit that wholeheartedly. I want it to stop, I work on it, it's easier since we are apart. But I want someone that stands where I do, who has goals that don't involve just sex. I want someone to respect me. But I'm not actively searching, and frankly I don't know how. I'm waiting for a friend of a friend to come around, someone who knows me and has my best interest at heart and will place thought into the guy they introduce me to. I'm over drunk love. Just doesn't quite cut it for me. I'm better than that.

I've had the misfortune of falling in love twice. A misfortune because of the guys I chose to love. First one, almost a decade ago, he was married. Second one, R, he'll be getting an arranged marriage. I can't bear to fall victim to another heartache. I don't have it within me. I just...don't care.

Soul mates, love, success, joy. Happiness. Happiness in my career. The right choices.

I'm not a religious person, I'm not full of faith. But I'm secretly hoping "someone" has a plan for me, and that the right job will come along; all this bs I am dealing with about employment is all just a battle, a test. I want to be happy with my work environment. And if that someone has a little extra time, I would appreciate a little light shed on my heart.

If not, hey, I understand. I'm indifferent anyways, right?

11:49 p.m. - 2010-09-21

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