silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- love so today i went for an interview at some place that i actually liked, but their thing is that they want people for their reno offices. looks like reno is in need. at first i was put off by that, but then i started thinking about it, and then i started seriously considering it. there is absolutely nothing that's keeping me in vegas. yeah i have family here, yeah i have my friends, blah blah blah. but i have no ties myself. no relationship, no home, no belongings really. and i didn't really want to come here in the first place, and i really like being alone and doing my own thing. and i could just fly back to vegas on the weekends (but not every weekend... maybe once every month or two to pacify the family). only thing is... it's reno. and although people love it in their own special ways, i am a sucker for the lovely summer heat. when i hear reno, i think cold. anyways. considering it. gotta tell the people that. when i mentioned it to my dad, he scoffed at me and said there's nothing to do in reno. i said i don't need to be entertained. because seriously, what do i do here? i go out dancing at the clubs when visitors come to town, i drink my youth away... umm yeah. i think that's about it for diversion. yeah maybe some random things here and there, but my weekends consist of pursuing people to get drunk and party with. i think i can successfully get drunk in reno. probably can't go dancing out there as conveniently as i can in the vegas clubs, but i don't want to waste away like that. that's not the life i need. i could be satisfied enough in reno, all i need is a lot of sweaters and coats and a reliable heater. and a lot of wine. boom. happiness. other than that... today... nothing much. out of curiosity, i counted the number of texts exchanged between M and i today, between 8:37 am- 11:11 pm. 316. three hundred. and sixteen. now granted, several of those texts were like one line things here and there, but damn. and here i thought it was just around 100. good thing i have unlimited texts. i talk to my friend CH openly about my friendship/relationship with M; i think she's the only one who i actually can tell everything to. she doesn't judge me and she knows that i'm not being stupid about him. she knows about my past issues with R as they all came along as well, so she's aware of everything. however, she's fairly convinced that he's not happy in his relationship and that he needs to leave his girl for me. of course she only has my side of the story, but i don't really knock his relationship. i try not to interfere. he's the instigator. i'm the one saying all the neutral friendship stuff, and he turns around and switches the convos in the other direction. i know that he feels a certain way towards me because he tells me so, regularly. but it's not a way he should feel, because he has his own situation going on. and yeah, i have a lot of fault by letting the relationship go on so long between us under the guise of a great friendship (which we really do have), but i happen to be able to separate my emotions from my actions. i know i vacillated a lot in the beginning of this thing with him, by feeling more than i wanted to and blah blah blah, but i feel like now everything is at bay. we live in different states, we haven't seen each other since july, and who knows when we'll see each other again. so anyways, i've been saying here and there that he keeps slipping in the fact that he loves me whenever he finds it convenient. when he says that, i basically ignore it, brush it off, disregard it; i don't take those words seriously from him. but lately it bugs me because i'm getting more and more afraid that he actually does have these stronger feelings towards me, and i don't know what to say to him. i love our friendship, he's my best friend. i communicate with him all day every day, as evidenced by 316 damn texts, along with the 3 emails i sent him today, along with the 30 minutes i talked to him on the phone this morning (he called me). it's basically the makings of a relationship without the relationship. it's ridiculous. but we talk about everything: work stuff, life stuff, family/friends stuff. i can tell him about guys and my boredom with being single. so i bitched to him via text this afternoon about something ignorant my aunt said to me, and he said "i love you. straight up." so then i'm like okay man, come on. yeah there's the joint friendship love that we share with one another, but i personally don't throw that phrase around. i told R that i loved him, and that's because i did (do?). i don't tell M that i love him because i just can't. he's in a situation that i can't let myself feel that for him, so why would i compromise myself by saying it to him? i'm really going on here, aren't i? ugh. i should sleep soon. anyways, i've never said it to him before, but after he said that in the moment that i needed friend support and care (i was really heated by my aunt's comment and the first people i go to to vent are M and one of my older sisters, so i did text her as well), i don't know in which way i interpreted it, but i did cave and reply that i love him too. but we never address when those words are uttered, we just go about our days. i might be thinking too much about it right now, because the context this time just felt different. and i think he wants me to love him. but i don't know what benefit that would create. it's not going to happen, it just won't. he picked his girl before he met me, so he got me as a friend. the end. or is it? anyways. last topic before bedtime, which by the way, this damn sleeping pill isn't kicking in and i took it over an hour ago... but anyways, i had a dream last night that i went to hawaii with boy JK and JC and some of their friends. i was very happy that i was with JK because he's very fun, and i was especially happy that R wasn't there to steal my emotional attention. it was night time and we were looking for a club to go to and party but we were having a tough time and just wandering around in some area that was fairly similar to parts of fiji. we ended up at this girl's house, some girl that was in our group, and then she wanted to go to sleep, so we all go to her room and crash there. and then i'm in bed and i'm thinking oh crap, i have my contacts in and i don't have my lens case. so i decide to just sleep in my contacts and i relax. and then i feel someone's arm by me and i shift, and who decided to invade my dream afterall? R. fucker. i moved away a little, but he still rolled towards me. fucker. but soon thereafter i woke up. and that was my trip to hawaii. hopefully tonight i have lovelier dreams. 12:21 a.m. - 2010-10-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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