silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Waking up I feel like such a waste of a person. I wish I had something good going for me. I hate other peoples' opinions and expectations of me. Fuck their expectations; I will only follow my own. But I'm tired of this, and I'm lonely. In my dreams, I have companionship. I have people who care for me, who smile when I am around, who long to hold me and be with me. In reality, I wake up to crap on the bed that I didn't clear off the night before. So that is my companion, a pile of shit. Maybe I just need to go somewhere else today. I don't know where, I can't afford to go anywhere. I go to the gym and I feel uninspired to work on my body, I have no motivation. I miss being held, I miss passion, I miss sex. I know, I'm lame. I just feel a huge void inside me. I want to fall asleep at night in someones arms. The blankets are okay and all, but they don't care about me. Nobody cares. Yeah, M says all his stupid shit, but I know it's nothing and I don't care. And I'm done thinking anything of the impossible R. When he's here, I love him; when he's gone, he's gone, and I get my void back. Well, that void is pretty much going to be at least 360 days of the year if I don't find a new companion. I was watching this movie yesterday and this dude said that every woman has the exact love life that she wants for herself. So then lonely, miserable, loveless, emotionless people like me are like this because we want to be. Hm. To an extent. I want to have more, I'm just protecting myself too much maybe. Who cares. I'm just so much happier when someone gives me a reason to feel. These days, I don't even know if I can. 7:52 a.m. - 2010-10-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||