silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Por fin "To put it very briefly, a person is most lonely when he has dropped something of his outer shell or facade---the face with which he has been meeting the world---and feels sure that no one can understand, accept, or care for the part of his inner self that lies revealed." I don't remember when or where I first saw this quote. I think I saw it on tv, some show or movie, where they flash the words in the beginning, or maybe it was the end. I have no idea when it was, but I know it was maybe 6-10 years ago. So I saw the quote and fell in love with it, wrote it down somewhere, and placed it in this book where I keep all the poems I write. But then within the last 5 years or so, I went to that book and I couldn't find the quote. I didn't have it memorized, I couldn't even recall exactly who was the writer. I could remember it had something to do with lonely and a person and being exposed somewhat to the world, being vulnerable. And eventually the name carl Rogers popped out at me and I thought that it had to be him. So within the last few months, I would randomly get the thought to find the quote again, because I knew it had struck me in some way, and I was adamant to find it again. So I'd search his name and poetry and loneliness and vulnerable, key words that I thought were part of it, but I kept being misdirected. And then just now I thought, well maybe it wasn't carl Rogers, maybe I'm entering that name in the search obsessively. And maybe it isn't loneliness, etc. So I searched "a person is most lonely" and voil�, there appears Carl Rogers, something on group encounters, and my lovely little quote. And I felt relief. I don't know why it grabbed me so. I'm sure it was during my depressive, dark, non-eating years, my phase of life when I was an emotional being and then T appeared in my life and made everything (temporarily) better. Whatever the surrounding circumstances were, I loved it. And hey, still do. This time I will not lose it. I'll try to commit it to memory at some point. As for now, blah. Today was not impressive otherwise. I realize that my singledom has left me quite, well, lonely. And friendless. Being back in Vegas has put me at a disadvantage. As I've mentioned before, all my best girl friends are married and often unavailable to spend time with me anymore. The guys who I'd want to hang out with have to deal with their parental responsibilities. My boy AT who I drove down here from sf with, he came here single and met a girl in his program who he is now dating. He's busy with school stuff and the blossoming relationship, but he's still a good friend and he says we should hang out on Sunday. Other than that, I have 1 out of 4 sisters who I spend time with, regularly, but she also has her bf and work etc. And so here I am. I ran away from Vegas, a place where all my friends were already in these serious long term relationships, and I went off to school to get something for myself. I break up with my bf whom I really didn't love anyways, and I live a single life in sf, but I end up falling in love with R and losing all sanity and control, and miss out on any opportunities with anyone else because I'm so hung up on him and if maybe one day he'll decide to love me, too. Well, who knows what he thought, what he felt. I know what he said. He initiated actions with me, he pulled me to be with him and pulled me away from others. He told me that he liked me and cared about me and loved me, and he kissed me and held me, and then turned around and said I'm like a sister, and then he did it all over again. So basically I was alone. I watched my friends in school get involved with one another and fall in love or lust or whatever, and they could publicly express themselves, but I couldn't. They'd all come to me for advice and support because I'm so damn wise or something, but I got shot down when I asked the same of them. So I remain a lonely wreck with tons of friends, I get in an unnecessary physical relationship with M, and also with H, but I still have to keep everything hidden and I can't talk to anybody. Well I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of secret relationships. I'm tired of loving people who are afraid to love me back. I am a wonderful fuckin person (not in a conceited way, more like a confident way) and I deserve some damn credit and I deserve a break. But I realize it doesn't matter. I have no friends to hang out with this weekend. I have no reason to dress up for halloween, I have no party to go to. My friends go as couples to parties hosted by couples. Anyways. I tried to start this entry all happy that I found that quote, but I ended up feeling bitter and defensive. I'll quit now and go to bed. By myself, of course. Good night dland. I promise next entry will be upbeat, positive, and delightful. Even if I have to wait a few days for something to happen to warrant such. 11:43 p.m. - 2010-10-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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