silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Waiting Last night I worked at shit office, and I do have to give them some credit. I really like the people I work with, particularly the assistants (as my communication with the other drs is minimal if at all). The word had spread that I was leaving, so when I got there, it was a mixture between solemn faces, bummed faces, and one straight out attitudey face (some lady who has been a waste the whole time anyways). The majority though was all "why are you leaving ussss???" and I avoided saying it drives me crazy, and said that I found a better opportunity for myself and my career goals. Apparently everyone likes me because I am actually nice and talk to them??? It's weird, one of the girls said that the other drs are so serious and one even told her that the doctors aren't supposed to be friendly with the rest of the staff, and so he never talks to them in a regular manner. Whereas then there is me, and I joke around and act stupid and I tell them to call me by my first name when it's not patient-associated, and I ask about their lives and what's up with everything, and of course they'd like mr more than the dr who just comes in, works, and leaves. At the end of the night last night (9 pm ugh) when my assistant was cleaning up and we were chatting, she was almost done and I was like "ugh fine, I guess i'll go write up my crap then", and she started laughing, saying I was funny. I was referring to my notes for the day, of course. But I guess people don't keep the atmosphere light for the assistants. I know that I'm the dr and all, but it doesn't mean I'm going to be all dictator crazy. As long as they do what they have to do and I can do what I have to do, it should all be golden. Anyways, I'll miss messing and chatting with the people and patients, just not the office itself and the hours and the issues. And yes, I do have to do what's best for me and I have to survive and be able to support my life and pay for that looming $300000 loan that is going to creep it's way to $400000 with interest before I know it, so if I can get rolling on that sooner than later, I'd be happy. Yeah, I don't get to have love, I don't get to have companionship, I barely get to have friendship these days, but at least I'll get my career in the right path. Ugh that sounds ridiculous. What a cop-out. Well I realized that my love for R is a comfortable love that will not progress to anything else...unless one day he wanted it to. But in all reality, it will not, and I see that personal choices regarding relationships and developing my own family are apparently very inferior to my career decisions. I guess when my girlfriends and I graduated high school, we must have sat around one day with three cards. Two cards said "find love within three years of graduating, and you will be married and have kids and live happily ever after," and then the third card said "career; no love". I possibly should've fought harder for one of the other cards, but honestly, it's okay. In due time, right? If at all. It's my fault because of my "intervening" into other peoples love lives. I'm too young to give up, I know. I just feel like I've dealt with a lot of guys already (pre d-school, and of course a couple during), and I've given my heart and outstretched arms so many times, and I feel like the emotions I felt towards T almost ten years ago and R these last two years cannot possibly be topped. With R especially, I loved him so much that it hurt, and it was the kind of feeling that every single song seemed to be about. And to just squash that feeling down with a hug and a "see you later" just doesn't give it justice, and that mofo just blows because there is absolutely nothing I could do, it's all out of my control. Lesson learned, and to those out there still searching like me: don't fall in love with someone who isn't allowed to love you back. His cultural marriage requirements erase me from his list of acceptable options, and I'm just not good enough for him to fight for. Wow that took a lame turn. My point is...um... Yes, yes, career. I must prioritize on my career, if anything, to get my mind off of the void in my heart and life. And maybe it'll just sneak up on me, and it'll be stronger than what I've felt for R and T combined. Ahh. That would be nice...pending the feeling is reciprocated. Oh well. On with my day. Holy crap, it's December already???? 7:03 a.m. - 2010-12-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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