silver4's Diaryland Diary

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Made it

Went in to work today. Saturday. I believe this is the first Saturday ive gone in. First and last. Wheeee...

So it was a brief morning, I finished up this case that was torturing me for a few days. I had been having issues previously; I emailed a former instructor for advice, I talked to my friends and whined, I spent hours reading books and manuals, looking up info online, taking notes, watching videos, thinking and brainstorming because I wanted to make sure I got all my shit together and did things right and used the materials (foreign to me as we didn't use them in school) the right way. I am probably one of the few new grads who actually reads and re-reads, and re-reads lecture material and books and spends all this extra time studying and reviewing stuff that I also already know but want to improve upon. I stay up late at night and wake up early, problem solving and racking my brain. I go overboard, but it paid off. So much stress, but it paid off. So here's where I had a change: I stay up and I lay in bed and I start praying and begging, asking god to help me figure this out, because I feel like I'm doing everything right and I'm trying hard, and I keep getting issues. I say that I'm almost there, I know I can do it, I have faith in myself, but I'm struggling and I don't want to give up and refer the case. I pray for guidance and confidence and skill to come along and help me out, to get me in the right path, because I'm just losing it. And yes, I do realize that this is a lot of praying for dentistry. I feel like Iike I keep getting glimpses that I should change this and that about myself and that I should stop putting all the pressure on me and that god is going to help me, not like the work, but that he will just...help me. And so that was last night, several times, as I tried to sleep, I kept freaking out about today, and I'd turn the light back on, after midnight, and throw myself back into the books. I had to work at 9 today, and I set my alarm for 5:30 etc so I could throw myself, again, into the books and videos. All the while, still asking god to help me out to get this case done. And not like it was super complicated, I was just having issues, it was driving me crazy!!

So I get to work, and I see a dr there who I like to talk to, and I tell her about my case, and she gives me moral support and says shes there for me. My assistant, MA (don't know her last name... "A" stands for assistant till I do haha), she asks me what's up and I say I've been having probs with the case, and I mention that I wish I would've given it to the other dr when I had the chance. Some time goes by and we are chatting and I explain stuff, and she asks me if I go to church or if I'm religious. I say I don't, and I was raises Christian and have been to catholic church too. She says that sometimes she prays for help when she knows that its something that no human could help her out with, that she has had to do on her own and really wanted god to help her, and that if she's really truly in need and true about it, that he's always helped her through. And that maybe I should ask god to help me with the case, and he will listen. So I smile, and I admit that I have been praying, and that it's funny that she mentions it because ive spent all night and morning thinking that way, and what a coincidence. So in my head, again, I say "okay, so I know you're listening and you have MA telling me what I'm already curious about believing, so I'm still gonna ask for your help in this..."

Long story, you catch what I'm saying, I talked to him a lot during the procedure and while I waited for X-rays to come up on the screen, and when I saw the final image... It was almost perfect. I mean, for my ability. I had so much doubt and I was so scared that it would be more of an arduous task if it didn't show up well, but it was good. I show the xray to the dr and she says "looks really good! Great job!" and I'm like wow. Finally. So I zoom through to finish the easy part, and I am so happy, you have no idea. It's a weight off my shoulders, it makes my confidence come back, it takes that doubt away from me. And I know who to thank, along with MA too. She is honestly my fave asst there, she makes my days go by so much better. And I have no doubt that I had help when I asked for it.

That's my religious bit, you never see me in that light, but I feel it keeps coming to me lately and it's happening for a reason. Although often scared and nervous, I will be open for it.

Afterwards we had a holiday party pot luck thing, so hung out for a few more hours. It was nice, tons of food, desserts, presents. I do love that crew; again, sorry to leave them, but happy for the experience the new position will give me, and the opportunity to grow and improve and become the clinician I want to be and have envisioned for myself to be. You know, I also prayed for this opportunity, and I swear that this came forth as a miracle as well. Because I still don't know how she got my info, but I have this notebook that I write miscellaneous things in like...notes, info, worksheets, lists, etc. And every few pages, I write down my beggy requests that I feel too much of a weakling to type in here, redundant stuff about how I pray for someone to love and care about me, for things to go my way... And then I have a page I keep coming across that asks for the right opportunity to come to me, the one that will make me be the dr I want to be, that I feel happy and comfortable going to, that is my speed and makes me proud and confident. And I then this came along. And I've already thanked him for it.

Well I had a headache after the party. Got to the house, took an excedrin, ate some salad, took a nap, and here I am. Feeling much better, a little under the weather but I think I'll be cool. Awake and ready for the night. I think things are looking up and I am feeling confident in myself. I kept praying for someone to love me, and maybe I did get that; I'm getting myself to love me, and I'm starting to accept that someone, non-human, is loving me too.

I know, it sounds sappy, not my usual irritated desperate rant. It's just that something finally worked out for once, with getting the new job and finishing this case well, and I have to give credit where it is due.

Oh, and cute thing, I am still getting the assistants mad at me for leaving and telling me that they want to work for me in my future office. They tell me not to change my number. I met one girl today who works for one of the oral surgeons, and she says she wants to be with me now! This was after talking for maybe 30 mins! I tell them all that I rock and I'm nice, and that they will love me, and we all joke around and laugh. And MA, that girl is my sidekick, I know it. She may be married with 3 kids, but I know that although we prob can't kick it at the clubs, she is my girl. You just know who is supposed to stay in your life, and I believe she is a keeper.

Okay, must take some vitamins and juice. The throat is feeling icky. Going out to some Latin club with CT and her niece to celebrate that her niece finished some school stuff. And I love the dancing, especially en espanol, where the men love me because I'm the one morena there who is not Hispanic but speaks Spanish. It's always fun, it's been a while. And hey, maybe I'll meet someone??? Meh, I just want to dance.

Juice and vitamin time. Toodles for now dland :)

6:13 p.m. - 2010-12-11

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