silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Christmas Merry christmas dland :) Good morning. I keep trying to write in here, but I always pass out in the middle of doing so because I guess at the end of the night I'm tired as fuck or something. Yay. So it's morning, I'll see how I hang. I think I did pretty well with the gift giving this year. I sort of want to get all the Christmas run around over with early so I can go back to my bum style life soon thereafter. So my Christmas wish came true, which was to be done with the shitty place and to find an awesome place to work at instead where I will grow and learn and be happy etc. So anything material just won't be the same. Well, a real paycheck would be nice, but I can't expect much. Anyways. I keep watching sappy Lifetime movies. I get pulled to that damn channel. Love, deception, love, lost love, regained love, you know, the good stuff. I get pulled in quite easily. Then I get all whiny like why can't I find a guy like blah blah blah and all these amazing qualities. One day, one day. I think I'm going to start going to the gym after work now, because the 5 pm traffic back clear across town just isn't worth driving around in. Hm. Just thinking. But id want a new iPod because the one on my phone is trippin since my phone itself is trippin. Fucker. I sent a bunch of dental friends in Cali some choc covered popcorn that I made, including M, but of course to be polite I put his wife's name on the address label too. He later told me that the bitch was like "don't eat it, I bet she poisoned it" like I want to get rid of her so I can take her man. WTF? I don't want your man, sweetheart, and I've actually had your man. Several times. If I wanted to be a bitch, I could destroy your marriage so quickly. But I'm not like that, and i dont want to mess around with him anymore anyways. So when he told me that, he was like "haha she knows that I want you haha" all laughing, and I'm not humored by it; rather, I am defensive, and I keep thinking "jealous hater bitch". Not nice to think, and not nice to be hating myself like that since she is his girl and all, but still. All I've been is completely nice to her, even before I started messing around with M. I'm super friendly to everyone and their significant others or wives or hubbies or whoever. And shes just always been hateful towards me, but them smiles in my face and wants to dance and be bff with me, just for show. And when I'm at an event and the two of them are there, I barely even talk to M, I talk to other people and dance with other people. Whatever. Sorry. I mean, yeah, she did always accurately accuse M of cheating on her with me before they got married, but I dont think she had any reason to suspect me; she just picked me because...well I don't know why. But she put all this damn energy into suspicion towards me. Yeah, she was right, but I didn't initiate it. Anyways. I just got defensive when she said I poisoned the popcorn. And then she posted on my fb "thanks for the popcorn, it was so yummy!!" stfu bitch. I didn't respond. Sigh. Suppose I'll clean up and shower and get in my Christmas outfit. I mentioned that I dress nice on holidays; well I'm getting festive today: green dress or shirt, red skirt, black leggings, and red fabric ribbon with white cottony trim borders that I'm going to wrap around as a belt and as trim to my black boots and as a headband. Whereas I know the rest of my fam will be in basic clothes. But I still like to be Christmasy. I do have some holiday spirit within me. Somewhat hidden, but it's there. Going to be lame for my last thought here and say how I miss being in bed with R. We'd get in bed and I could lay on him and he'd hold me a little and we'd fall asleep watching movies. I'd take off my earrings and glasses and hand them to him and he'd put them aside for me, only for me to have to search quietly in the morning for them before I snuck out. I miss loving him. I feel so empty and like I'm yearning for affection that I don't think anyone can ever give me because I don't know if I can reciprocate the emotions. Nothing fulfills what I need in that void, and my heart just feels like a blob of nothingness. I keep wanting to quit asking for it, but I really do want someone to come into my life who I can care about and possibly love. I feel so scarred in that department though, so I don't know how it would pan out. I guess just hang in there, right? Again, merry christmas dland! Hope your day is full of joy and love <3 7:38 a.m. - 2010-12-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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