silver4's Diaryland Diary

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Whining again..disregard?

I wonder what it would be like to have somebody truly care about me... Not a relative, not one of my girls that i've known forever. To have some guy out there actually spend some time in his life thinking about me and wondering about me and missing me... giving a shit about me. M doesn't count. Good guy though, and he is endless with his compliments and praise and words of adoration towards me, but his words are essentially cast aside; I cannot accept his admiration and desire for me when he's off in another state married and carrying on his life.

Now that I live alone and in peace, I get a lot more time to sit around and think. Possibly too much. And I'm assuming it doesn't help that I've spent the last several hours watching seasons of Grey's anatomy, courtesy of my hygienist homie. All this love stuff and emotions and...and everything... it makes me feel even emptier and more lost, because I'm pretty close to 100% sure that it's never going to happen for me. How do people get married? How do people find "the one"? I cannot believe in it. I see it all around me, I see loving, happy couples. I see my friends, my sisters, my coworkers, anyone, everyone. Yet I can't believe in it. Because I don't. I don't. And so I hate these movies, I hate these shows, I hate my past, I hate the guys in my past for even wasting my time, wasting my emotions. For even making me have those damn emotions. Because it was all a waste, it was all... pointless. Lesson learned? Bs. There is no lesson. There is only truth, as it applies to me, and that truth is that there is nothing and there will be nothing. And I have to learn to accept it.

Sorry. Not to be Debbie Downer and all, but this is the way I see it. It really isn't fair though, because I am a nice fuckin young lady and I have a good heart in spite of my repeated mistakes. I am respectful and people like me and I'm sweet and polite and trying to be successful and I'm strong willed and determined. And it isnt fair. I have spent too much time recovering from heartaches caused by undeserving people. Im a strong person and I will continue to be such, but I haven't the capacity to put up with another debilitating "relationship". And it's not like I get the opportunity to do so anyways. And so I question, what is the point? What possible reason is there to have had me experience what and whom I've experienced? To make me immune and numb to men and emotionless? Because that's what has happened. I feel there is zero rationale to care about anyone ever again... I believe that the whole R experience threw me over, pushed me over the edge. I told myself that I'd never let anyone hurt me like he did ever again, but I didn't mean to just not offer me anybody again at all! Wtf.

Ugh. I guess in all honesty I'm upset because I had three beers and didn't even get a buzz. What a waste. I suppose watching a medical drama with relationships all over the place that reminds me of some dental school experiences wasnt really the best idea before bed time. It just makes me pissy.

Blah. Ignore me. I should've done this rant in Spanish because I prefer to hide my weaknesses in another language. Eff it. Kinda pitiful. Good night. I'll get over this and whine about work or something again soon. Maybe I'll try some wine and see if that cuts it...

Gn.

12:33 a.m. - 2011-04-10

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