silver4's Diaryland Diary

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Nothing

Why do I care? Why do I try? Why do I put any effort into anything? It's pointless sometimes. Why care? Ridiculous. Meaningless.

Whatever.

Anyways. Today I went to the hair salon for the first time in umm a decade? My cousin does hair, so I made an appointment with her, and she relaxed, colored, and cut my hair to a nia long short style, per my request of course. I look completely different than I ever have, and it'll take some getting used to, but I think I can rock it. Just takes some confidence. I have never had such extremely short hair, so...we shall see.

I went to a birthday party for AV's husband, at their house. Just got home from there. So there's one chick who has a new baby, 6 months old and spit up on me but that's all good. Another girl is 8 weeks pregnant. AV is of course married, and now trying to get pregnant. And then there's me. When the hell can I stop saying "and then there's me"? So frustrated with my life. Tired of pretending it's all good because I am focusing on my career anyways and a relationship is the last thing on my mind, and oh how fuckin great so happy for you and your pregnancy and oh so fuckin happy for you and your engagement or wedding and blah blah fuckin blah blah. I'm so far removed from these people, yet there I am, at a party with them, forced to interact and thus acknowledge my downfalls and how far behind I seem to be in everything that they have. Did I choose the wrong path? Should I have said fuck it to school and instead opted to search for a husband and get pregnant? I'm tired of this shit. I'm tired of it all. I don't even want to hang out with these people anymore if it means I have to be around people who are always, ALWAYS talking about their wonderful marriages and relationships and pregnancies and babies and blah blah blah. I just sit there, drinking beer in the corner alone, where the preggos can't drink with me. I hate it. I just don't fuckin belong there anymore. I don't belong anywhere anymore. My old crew, my girls from before, married and kids or working on it. This group from tonight, same damn thing. D school, gone. I suppose I do have "the boys", but the reason I hang with them is mostly because of one guy, who will be leaving the state for optometry school next month. So, screwed again. And then lately I am thinking maybe I should talk to JL, so Im attempting convo with him, but I don't know if he's feeling me anymore as he was before. Plus I want to be removed from this group and he is part of it as he is birthday boy's brother.

If it's not one damn thing, it's another. And I can't confide in AV because it just isn't worth it anymore. I don't want to say anything or ask her anything because I feel like she doesn't really listen to me anymore anyways, and she used to be my only one. But then again, I will always be everyone else's damn shoulder to cry on, but I will never have my own shoulder to cry into.

Fuck it all. I'm just disheartened as usual. I feel like I should drink and I'll feel better.

No. Good night. I give up, as always. Sweet dreams.

1:17 a.m. - 2011-07-17

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