silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Big empty I've been depressed all day. No real reason, nothing provoked it, aside from possible sheer loneliness. So I try to ignore it, I try to clean up and cook. Then I start drinking, now I have a headache. I decided it was only natural to go to new York & co and shop away my sorrows, and it worked for a while. Talked to one of the managers there who I always see, she noticed I was down and she kinda cheered me up. Spent around $300 altogether at the mall. Came back home and I'm depressed again. Maybe it's being at home that does it.. But I don't want to be wasteful and spend money like that to cure my bad mood all the time. I keep having thoughts about the guy that held my heart for so long, from 10 years ago. I never wanted to think about him again. I wished that he would be erased from my mind, from my memories. He's one of the reasons I love the movie eternal sunshine of the spotless mind; I wish it were possible to take away those memories forever. But I can't. I will instead continue to suffer with the memories until I can get completely past him. Fuckin closure. I never had it and I never will. And M is ridiculous. I'm beginning to get irritated again with his interest in me. He needs to accept the fact that he is married and that's the damn end of it for him. He can't have both of us. And we live in different states dammit! Ugh. I don't have regrets, but fuck, I kinda wished we never hooked up so he wouldn't be so damn obsessed with me. Annoying. Anyways. I got a lot of stuff at ny & co. Maybe I'll take it all out the bag and that should help with the depression. Whatever. Sleeping pills, headache pill. Something should work out. 9:12 p.m. - 2011-08-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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