silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Breaking. Or just having a moment. I look at myself and think how in the hell do you live with yourself sometimes? How can you sleep at night, knowing what kind of person you are? Not that I'm a terrible person at all. But at the end of the day, i just think...how? I think about how shitty things can be, how shitty they are. Mistakes I make, lessons I learn at the end of the day. I'm tired of learning lessons. What is it going to take to make this just stop? I feel miserable. I feel torn up inside. I yell and scream at myself when I think back and reflect on how everything goes down and what I should have done differently and what I should change...what I could change. How I could change it. I beat myself up a lot. I put myself down. There are things I despise about me. Yet at the same time, they are the same things I want someone to love about me. I don't know how to make the change. Again, its the end of the day. At the end of the day, it's a whole lot of questions. Why. Why. Why? And I don't emote. I don't give any indication to the outside world that I even have an inkling of a feeling. My empathy level is low. And I find it hard to fake it. Am I supposed to be naturally more understanding and empathetic because I am of the supposedly gentler sex? I don't know how to make the changes. I don't know how to shift myself to another direction. I feel lost. I feel like running. Away? I don't know. I feel like escaping, but I know that escaping doesn't solve anything. If anything, it's a temporary resolve. And people ask too much of me. People want too much from me. And I'm supposed to empathize. I'm supposed to help. I'm supposed to give my opinion when I am quite honestly not the one to provide it. And so I decide not to have an opinion. Because it's safer? No... Because I frankly don't care to have one. Because it's not my "thing". I want to be better than this. I want to be better than who I am. There is too much of a void inside of me though. I just wonder where I can pull the better me from. And I hate the looks. I hate the eyes of despair, reaching for understanding, reaching for a glimpse of compassion and patience and, what, a hug? I understand. I am a rational person though. I don't sit around being emotional and caring too much. Or rather... Yes, I care. But I don't have the energy, I don't have that "thing", whatever it may be that allows me to show it. Anymore. I'm sure I once had it before. What the hell is wrong with me, what happened to me? I know she is still there. In my quest to give a shit, I feel I lose her more and more as it doesn't turn out right and I am not given that second chance that I hope and pray for. And I shall say so be it. Or hang in there. Or hold on. Or it will be easier soon. And be true to you and it will work out fine. Okay. If you say so. I caught the tail end of a law and order rerun today. Just enough to hear the captain say, "don't worry when you feel something; worry when you don't". Shall I be concerned? I believe that I haven't felt anything in a while. 1:06 a.m. - 2011-10-04 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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