silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Alcohol and sweets People keep trying to push pastries and alcohol onto me. Err...into. Meh. The last two times I drank (this afternoon and Friday night), I came out with a headache. Now, the timing is shitty, no doubt, and I can only expect those two because of such; today was my little sister's birthday, and my mom wanted to do a joint thing for us, as she usually does with us being 5 days (and a year) apart. However, she doesn't seem to understand, despite our pleas otherwise, despite our lack of desiring such, that we really do not care for cake and ice cream anymore. At least not in excess. She doesn't care. And she gets offended when we reject it. So when she called me in her excited cutesy voice about cake and ice cream, my stomach turned. I am also riddled with immediate guilt for even considering cake when I think about all this hard work I am putting in to the gym and my intake. Regardless, I go over, and sure enough, there is a store bought sheet cake, the big size that you buy for your eight year old's twenty-kid birthday party, and it's meant for two thirty year olds, a kid, mom, and two grandparents. Yet mom doesn't eat any because as usual she has some food excuse. And grandma doesn't because of health related excuse. The kid is all over it, and sis and I have a little bit. That leaves...a huge ass portion of cake still. Like...7/8s? Or more. I don't know really. Not to mention it has strawberry shortcake cartoon decorations all over it, again, as if we are 8. My mom thinks all of this stuff is cute. We smile and pacify, or at least I do. But I always try to dissuade her from these purchases. We aren't kids anymore. None of us beg for cake. Hell, she doesn't even want cake. But like I said, she gets all super offended when we reject, and gets all attitudy like her $15 purchase is going to waste...which she shouldnt have bought in the first place. Then the ice cream, she tries to push it on me. I didn't ask you to buy ice cream. You live with two other people, across the street from your daughter with a 4 year old, and you think I want ice cream, me, who lives alone, and is lactose intolerant? Again, attitude. I took home the rest of the huge cake to give to my other sister (who didnt come because she was sick, which she blames on the San Francisco trip...and I did offer up my emergen-c and my airborne to her out of my experience of getting sick with airports/traveling..) and her boyfriend and roommate, but I said no to the ice cream and she got so damn pissy, you wouldn't expect it out of a grown ass woman. But I know something is wrong with her, and it's sad because she is so young (49), but she has so many health issues and weird things going on with her brain, which she complains about in every single conversation with her. It's hard to feel sympathy when it is honestly every time she talks. I am not allowed to be sick or tired or anything at all, because she is always. And I love my mom, of course, no doubt, and I want the best for her, and I want her to be healthy. But when she acts childish, I'm certain it's not due to her brain issues, it's just the way she is. And i can't turn 30 and have people tell me I look 21, because she's turning 50 in april and she still looks really young, so she has to point it out to everyone because she is more important than i am on my birthday. It's like there is no reason to do anything in life but sit there and be her daughter, because we are just props..or at least I am. I've always felt like the reject daughter for various reasons, and I vocalize it only in jest to her. But anyways, if something doesn't go her way, or if I dont accept exorbitant amounts of sugar and celebratory champagne from her, I'm basically being a bad daughter. So I hit the gym this morning, and this afternoon I eat the sugary cake and feel regret, eat some of the ice cream and now feel the turns of the stomach, and drink the midday champagne and get a headache soon thereafter, which doesn't go away for 5 hours. But I can't have a headache, because my mom does. Anyways, Friday night my sweet neighbor, who is bored when her husband is at work, texts me to come upstairs for a "glass" of wine, her treat for my birthday. I would actually rather pass out and crash, as is my Friday routine (hello pimp social life), but i agree. A glass turns into two bottles, and a headache the next day. I am prone to headaches, I had migraines starting around 12 and ending around 27 (with fortunately less intensity than in my teens-early twenties). I'm used to having them, but they actually died down significantly the last 4-5 years, with me going from daily headaches to now almost monthly if I'm lucky. And the intensity so much more minor that I no longer have to take excedrin or prescription pills, but a few rounds of ibuprofen etc kinda cuts it. Also, there was obviously an association/correlation with the pressures I put upon myself with school and the frequency of headaches, as I finally finish my last graduation (maybe?) and experience freedom from the pain. Anyways, I'm just saying that I'm not in the mood for the headaches anymore, nor do I want the sweets, nor do I want the alcohol (omg who am I???) at random moments. My roommate from dental school is in town and she texted me this morning at 11:30 telling me to "come play", play meaning drink of course. And again, stomach turns. She is maybe 26 I think, and has a whole host of alcoholic influences still around her, as she wants though. I, however, have minimal influences, and maybe I'm a tad antisocial now, but excessive drinking is just so wasteful and I need my money. Now, don't get me wrong. I still love to drink. I am not going clean just yet, and I may never do so. I just don't want too much or at unnecessary moments. Vacation? Yes. Birthday? Fine. Super Bowl? Of course. Random Sunday before noon? Ummm... I'd rather not. And I kinda made a resolution to stop my weekend morning drinking. In fact, I have a case of beer that I bought two weekends ago, and it's still by my front door, with only like three or four beers missing from the first day I bought it. An untouched case would never have happened two years ago. Now, I just don't want it. A funny thing though is that when I've gone on these online dates, the last two guys said they didn't drink alcohol. And in my mind I thought oh fuck, because I may not be an alcoholic, but I certainly enjoy my moments of overdoing it occasionally. I still like the partying, the playing, the fun of it. I kind of want a guy who does drink occasionally, just to balance it out. It doesn't matter though, because I am impossible to match up romantically. Not a complaint necessarily. Blah blah blah I'll find the one, blah blah blah when I'm not looking, blah blah when I least expect it, blah blah the one will come along. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. That talk just makes me roll my eyes and want to vomit. When the time comes yada yada please. Spare me. I am tough to match with, simple as that. I am not walking around with an open heart, I know that. Sucks for me, sucks for guys who try to get at me. I also don't want to just sleep around, so again, sucks for me and them. I want substance. I don't need immediate romance and connection. But on these dates I have felt absolutely nothing. Just the potential for friendship. I want to feel a twinkle, and I don't think I will find that by looking through pictures on a damn website. Well I don't know where this entry went. I just don't want any more pastries or alcohol for a while. I think I have to wait until after February though. Not that I have a valentine, or that I will, but I know at work the sweets will be abundant. And I appreciate my mom's efforts, but she truly is grasping on treating us like the next generation and is oddly offended with us not wanting to be treated that way. I hate that she has all her health problems, but she ignores all of our advice though too. And I know she has active dental infections, but she is too "busy" to get it taken care of (for free, mind you. I would never charge my parents. I don't charge my main sisters either, and one of them still hasn't seen me either). I try to help, I've always tried, I went through all this damn schooling with the intention of being capable of providing an easier lifestyle for my parents and sisters, not even for myself. I am a giver and a protector, that's what I aim to do, all the time. I just wish I could have someone to share things with sometimes. I am really tired of being alone. Blah blah blah he will come. Blah blah blah be patient, when you least expect it, blah blah open your heart, blah blah my friend has a cousin you could date? Blah blah fuckin blah. Good night. 11:29 p.m. - 2012-01-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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