silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Witch craft I think I am cursed. I must be cursed. It's a damn shame that I did whatever I did in this life, or a previous life, or who knows what or when. Something I did was terribly wrong though, and I keep falling into the same situations, making the same poor calls of judgment, getting entangled in the same disastrous webs. It is a world that I have discovered to be exhaustively impossible to extricate myself from. The world of messing things up. Of things going wrong. Things falling apart. Granted, yes, in general, on the outside, things like quite simple and routine and organized. Wake up, put on a smile, go to work, make other people smile, la dee da. I'm told that I am single because I want to be single...hm... Partially true. I have trust issues. Namely, I don't trust anyone. I don't sit around paranoid thinking that any guy I get with will cheat on me or anything. In my mind, if I'm with a guy and he cheats on me or treats me poorly, eff him, he's gone. I'm too old for bs. Except right now it's different. ML, I don't know. I don't know if he is an option down the line. I know I like the damn guy, but he has way too many personal issues and things going on that he has to deal with, past and future issues to confront, present issues to maneuver through... He is very much self-concerned and all of his focus is on the id, and not so much in a selfish way, but in a way that is rather the only way, for him. I'm not going to fight with the guy, vying for his attention. I realize that I can get attention from others if need be. My issue though, and it is a constant issue I always find myself to fall to, is that I always, ALWAYS, develop interest in the wrong damn person. The unstable guy. The married guy. The noncommittal unstable guy. The guy who is awesome but his religion separates us. The other married guy. The guy who makes me crazy and his religion strikes me out. The other other married guy. The guy who needs a friend first. Fine, FINE! Be that way, everyone. I get it. This girl has shitty taste in guys, or rather is truly the magnet for the wrong guys. Not forgetting the 15+ year older guys who find magnetism in me as well. I am doing something terribly wrong, I can't seem to figure out how to meet and like a good, single, my age, shit-together, SINGLE, sans world-encompassing emotional damaging issues that need to be tended to guys. Is that too hard to find? Apparently so. Regarding my curse, it is the married man curse. I swear off those silly unavailable men. I don't want them to talk to me anymore. I need to wash off those pheromones somehow, but my basic shower soap doesn't seem to cut it. And bleach is rather harsh to the skin, albeit a great disinfectant. Hm. Tomorrow is another day. 11:51 p.m. - 2012-04-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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