silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Men and puzzles I went out with gym guy Friday night. We finally figured out a time to get together. We went to the movies and saw the avengers, which was awesome. I really liked it, I like those movies. I don't know much about them and I only saw a few of the ones that the characters came from. It makes me want to check out the other titles now too. I never read comic books, so I'm not Stan lee obsessed. So guess I should watch those other movies soon enough, the hulk etc. So movies, then grabbed a bottle of wine and went back to his place. Watched some movies and listened to him tell me how much he is interested in me and throw excessive compliments my way. He's pretty much been kinda obsessed with me for the last few months, and had been trying to get my attention blah blah blah. That he checks me out all the time at the gym, and really likes me. He was nice but man, he was again admittedly shy and nervous. He kept saying how he was nervous. And said that he was intimidated by me. I honestly love it when guys tell me that I intimidate them. I love the power it makes me feel. He stumbled over words and couldn't let the conversation flow well because he was awkward. But fortunately that only lasted the first hour or two. After the theater he was a lot more chill. He kept putting his hand on my leg in the theater, and tried to hold my hand a couple times. That annoyed me because I don't like to be touched sometimes, at least not without my permission. Which negates the next statement: I ended up sleeping with him. I didn't really care. I no longer attach emotions to sex. I act without giving any thought to it. The guy is nice and all, but I don't like him as much as he seems to like me. I'm cool with him. But it's just sex. In my head I think "who cares". Sucks that he actually likes me. But who knows, maybe I will like him one day? I remember a couple years back my dental crew was out here for some random visit, and S's brother was here too. We were at some club, and I was getting hit on by some guys and I wasn't caring about anything or anybody, I was there to dance and drink. So that's what I was doing, dancing and drinking, and the brother came up to me and stared at me and told me that I was a very cold (hearted) person. I was taken aback when he told me his opinion of me, but after that moment I feel like I have owned that description. I am a cold person. I am caring of course, I love my friends and family and I am considerate towards my patients and I don't want them to be in pain. I over think about their treatments when I am home on the weekends, and I lose sleep worrying about everybody else. But when it comes to sex and those associated interpersonal relationships, I simply do not care. I act with no remorse, no regret, no interest, no concern. I go through the motions and enjoy myself, but whoever the guy is is just a pawn in achieving my satisfaction. I am trying to remember the last time I really cared about somebody I hooked up with. I did care for D1 before he got stupid..so maybe around 2005. Damn, that's a long time. Of course I cared for R but he...who knows. I believe if I could completely eradicate all remaining emotions towards him, maybe I can warm back up again. He stole my feelings. I don't love him anymore the same way, but something is still there. Fucker. So yes. Detached emotionless sex. I should warn gym guy, just to be considerate. Especially since I know that he is very interested in me. A fair warning is the kind approach. I barely slept that night, like an hour. He wanted me to stay over and kept holding me and kissing me. I kept trying to leave but he was adamant to keep me there, like if he let go of his hold on me it would be disastrous. He also wanted me to stay because he didnt work until 3 the next afternoon...meaning i had all that time to hang with him. Ummm.... So I just laid there for a while. Stuck. Tried to sleep but couldn't. Eventually I made it out. I don't know exactly why I am like this sometimes, but I don't want to sit there and cuddle afterwards. I dont like the touches anymore. Well, it takes a minute for me to adjust to accepting being held by a new person. I think I need to learn how to dissociate myself from the touches. It's all pretend, it is an act. I guess I have to try harder to make myself feel comfortable in the new arms as they come along...is there an adjustment period? Or I will just act. But even with M, I didn't feel like I belonged in his arms, and we had been together over 100 times. I hate that it always comes back to this, I truly do. I want this part of myself to go away, but it hasn't. I only feel comfortable in R's arms, snuggled in his body. I know his warmth, I know his smell. And I think this without attaching emotion to it at the moment, simply the mere fact that there is a place that I fit, but I cannot be there. It is like a puzzle, all of it. Life. Love. Finding where one belongs. And I can get the puzzle pieces to fit in just good enough, but there is still some room around or maybe it is too tight and it is noticeably forced into place...the latter is how I feel with gym guy right now. But if I force it enough, the walls will eventually give in enough to accomodate the piece better. It still won't be 100% comfortable but it would work. I should buy a puzzle. I told my friend CT about how I am devoid of emotions with sex and how I would rather leave afterwards with new people at times, or how I wouldn't want the guy to stay over. I haven't snuck out but I'm not opposed to it. She laughed at me and told me it was bad and that I am like a guy. Well so be it. I told her I think that I lost my emotions along the way with one of the guys I've slept with, and I should make it my mission to sleep with all of them again with hopes of getting it back. She told me that was a bad idea. She is a wise one I suppose... Honestly though, gym guy is nice. And good-looking, very attractive, awesome biceps. I can hook up with him and hang out like I have done successfully with people before. But I hate that he likes me so much already. It makes it difficult on my end. He also told me that he was trying hard to impress me. I hate all the damn effort it takes, like he is trying to convince me that he is good for me. Whatever. I will work on the puzzle. I know my piece fits somewhere perfectly. My counterpart is out there working on his own puzzle. I cannot do it long term, but I can accept the "good enough" piece for right now. 9:25 a.m. - 2012-05-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||