silver4's Diaryland Diary

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Umm...umm?

I feel so stuck. �I don't know the best way to extricate myself from my situation. �I thought I saw an out, but it is postponed. �And I otherwise haven't seen anything else pop up since. �I hate that I put my own office plans on hold with hopes of a possibility. �But, alas. �Screw it. �I don't know anything anymore. �I am just...stuck. �

Something interesting happened on Monday: gym guy texted me. �It has been maybe just over a month? �I don't recall, because my phone erased all of my texts when it went crazy recently. �All he said was "hope you're ok". �Yep. I am ok. �I don't know if it is a good thing or a bad thing that he is coming back around. �He stopped talking to me because he got upset that I cancelled a date because I wasnt feeling well. �I am entitled to bad moods, especially after working all day in a dental office. �At least I gave him hours of fair notice, I was polite and didn't wait last minute. �The last text before his disappearance, I told him to let me know if he wanted to hang out again, and that I wouldn't keep bugging him. �He wasn't answering my texts, and I won't chase you, so whatever. �I left it at that. �The thing is, I know regardless that we are not compatible. �I think if we hang, I will tell him that I don't see it working between us, and that we should just be friends if anything. �I don't want to drag anything, and with him I feel as if all of the butterflies are remaining dormant in their cocoons. �And the kisses have no passion. �I yearn for passion, I abhor the emptiness... Anyways he said that he missed me and that we should hang out again sometime in the next couple weeks. �I said sure sounds good. �Missed me??? If you miss somebody, you don't let weeks go by without contacting them. �Not that I care in this situation, but in principle. �When I "miss" somebody, I contact them. �Not a month later. �Especially knowing the other person lives three minutes away? �yeah. He isn't the brightest, and he was the one trying to envision a possibility of us together. Who knows.

I know I whined about this already, but this is my diary so accept it: It is so freakin hot, I am wondering if my apartment is actually built on the sun. I lay on my bed and it is warm. Aren't beds supposed to be comforting? Maybe if it were winter this would feel nice. Sigh. All in the name of paying a lower energy bill. Which, also, I paid my monthly student loan bill today online, and I detest the payment confirmation page. It's like "Success! Thanks for submitting your payment!" all happy and cheery. I want to punch the screen. Yeah, the person clicking confirm isn't as excited as the inanimate system about the tearful resignation of almost $2000. Obviously the smartest thing to do would be to put my loans on another round of interest-loaded forbearance for 6 months or so, enough time to enjoy the a/c in it's true delight during this...kind..summer. I'd rather pay for the energy bill than the loans. Any day. But I bought an area fan today so I will see how that works out for me.

The extern at my office is still being kinda creepy towards me. She is a sweet girl, but she is so terrified to make a move, she just sits there and stares at me. Have I mentioned that I really don't like being stared at? Ah yes, I have, because gym guy stared at me incessantly. Well, this girl is doing the same. She will take xrays or something and then come tell me the patient is ready and I say okay, and then she just stares. And stares. And smiles? And stares. Or at lunch time I am heating up my food, and she's like staring, waiting for me to look up and show her that my food got hot. But its awkward because it's just uncomfortable. And she still almost every day tells me how she admires me. She says she wants to be like me, which I find laughable. If she lived a week in my shoes, she would retract that statement. Aside from the whole boring lonely thing... well maybe that is the worst of it. I treat myself to wine almost nightly. Every now and then I think "I love being an adult". Especially when I am at the wine store doing tastings, or buying some random food to follow a craving, or going to yogurtland and indulging in a frozen delight whenever the heck I want to. I absolutely love it. I digress though. The admiration is excessive. I should feel honored, but honestly, that doesn't cut it. It feels like a kid with a crush on a tv star. Wait, no.. that can be warranted... Maybe a toddler who wants to run around like the big kids? Which just comes with age?? It's like a little girl who thinks an older girl is cool because she has a bigger chest, when the reality is well it kinda just grew in that way...??? Okay maybe my analogies are not on point today. And maybe i am being too modest in terms of merit, but in a way it's accurate because she "admires" (her words, not mine) my personality and the way that I am, when yes, in essence, that's just the way i am. That's just... how the boobs grew in? Maybe I wear something to make them look cooler, or maybe they look really stand out and amazing today and people seem happy with them, but it's still just the boobs (again, analogy. I wear boring scrubs to work. My chest looks rather dull in them). But I should be happy that somebody out there admires me and looks up to me, or even notices me, right?

Maybe it's a good thing that I don't write analogies for a living. I would most likely cause people to run around banging their heads on the walls waiting for me to stop.

Metaphorically speaking.

I give up. Good night. Gotta put on my golden cape again tomorrow.

1:43 a.m. - 2012-06-13

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