silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Together? He asked me what I did with my day. I said I went to the gym, re-signed my apartment lease, went to a couple stores, went to some jazz thing with my family... He didn't like the lease-signing part. He was holding my hand and squeezed it when I said that part, asking me if I did month-to-month. I laughed and said nooo.. He had mentioned before that when my lease terminates, that I should go month-to-month, even though it is $100 more expensive to do so. And I laughed at him then, too. We have been dating almost 2.5 months now, only. Seems like much longer, but that is the reality. He says he doesn't like the idea of me being locked into a lease, because there is going to come a time, basically, when we are going to want to live together. I have done this before. I lived with my ex D for maybe 2-3 years. I have had roommates. I enjoy living alone and having my complete peace. In my mind, I don't want to live with another guy unless I know I am going to marry him. Now, I am oddly fairly certain that DW and I are the end for one another, that there is nobody else who will come after, that there will be no "after". I am not one for absolutes, and I am certainly not one to jump to conclusions and life-assumptions, but I am pretty sure if this stays the way that it is, that i'm going to marry this guy. I think we kinda know that this is our path. So I have told myself not to put myself into a position to live with another guy again, unless that is the situation. And I kind of hoped that he would be of similar mindset, especially considering that he has had a live-in girlfriend before, who had a kid too, and they lived together maybe 2 years. So I would hope that he would understand where I am coming from, in not wanting to uproot my comfortable little life and combine our worlds and the complication of everyone's stuff...and there's always the potential of failure of the relationship. Of course, we don't want to talk about the relationship failing, but I am a realistic person. So he was certainly not happy that I did the renewal, because "any day now" he wants to get out of his current house and find a new one, and ideally we do that together? Again, in my mind, my precious little life vision has me and my house, and him and his house. And we visit each other. That's it. Until we are engaged or something, and then there is the union of homes or whatever. This is what I get for dating a guy who really craves this life. He wants to have a good, stable, loving relationship. Who doesn't, right? I'm all for it, too. But to me, it takes time, and really spending the time to get to know one another, and even if it has been a blissful 2.5 months, it has only been 2.5 months. In his mind, it has also been a wonderful 2.5 months, and we know that it is right and that we are a perfect match for one another, and that is all there is to it. He has been telling me to take one of the empty rooms for a while. I feel like he may just be saying it, but I kind of know that he isn't, that he really wants me to take one of the rooms. I have confidence in our relationship, but...I don't know. I'm just such a pusher for independence and space. I like having my own place where my friends and family can come over and I don't have to worry about my cozy little world having a new personality due to his contribution. I already compare our places, our kitchens for one. Mine, normal. His, full of supplements and protein this and that powder and energy blah powder, big jugs of powder with random letters all over them for power and this and that. My fridge, food. His, liquid supplements of blah blah blah and random nonsense and more protein and dietary this and that. I like the personality of my home vs his. Obviously I am not moving in with him any time soon. To me, it would take longer than a year of dating for me to consider it. Before this weekend, we hadn't seen one another for 12 days. Meh, it happens. I was busy mostly, so it was my fault for some of it. But during the week, I am available after work, but he is either tired, playing basketball, or doing something with his friends, so we rarely if ever see eachother Monday through Thursday. He told me that he missed me and that he hated that he couldn't see me, that he spends all day alone (driver) and that it's such a lonely job and then he comes home and it's empty and quiet and so he is still alone, and it gets to him. He needs to have company, and he wants me to be there. I told him that I can always come over during the week and spend time with him when I am done with work, that he doesn't have to be alone. And he was happy when I told him that. So looks like we are going to be spending a bit more time together. He says he doesn't want me to be like a part time or just weekend girlfriend. I also told him about the type of guys that I have been involved with in the past, the ones who were already taken, and that didn't really go over very well with him. It was a tough conversation, and I almost cried, which sucks. I also lost my buzz. But it was fine. Glad that one got out. I told him that that was the worst he was going to get out of me, the worst of my "skeletons". I even told him to feel free to leave me because of that. He got upset with me for giving him an out like that. But whatever. My truth had to be said. And why am I the idiot who agreed to work tomorrow? I hope this office isn't crazy busy. I pray that it isn't too much for me to handle. Oh yes, I agreed to work because it is guaranteed money, a base pay for the day. And who couldn't use more money? I just got a phone call from my mom asking me to come over to help my grandma email a song from a cd. My grandma is a jazz singer, not sure if I've mentioned that before. She also lives clear across town. And aren't music files huge to try to email? My mom and grandma don't understand the thought process that goes behind what it takes to email a music file. Rip the cd, then have to compress the file or something. I dont even know what she has on her computer to work with. I know in essence it isn't that tough, but it is just annoying. I wish I could just tell them how to do it over the phone, but that would probably be more difficult. Doesnt anybody know that Sunday is a lazy day?? Sheesh. I'm not supposed to do anything today except flatten my ass by sitting on it all day, drinking vino and watching movies. Ughhhh.. They better give me some damn alcohol if they want me to do this shit. Really though. I don't live around the corner. Just because I am the "smart one" it doesn't mean I am the only one who can do this. I just want to be lazy. I still haven't recovered from my Texas/friends week/weekend. I haven't had time to myself. It would be nice if that could be today. Dammit I just want to be lazy. Whatever. The sooner I get this over with, the sooner i can come back home. Right? When I told him it was just a six month lease instead of a year (commitment issues over here, obviously), he was relieved. It's been 6 month renewals every time for me. He was relieved because he doesn't want me to do a year? He wants us to live together within the next 12 months?? Sigh. Edit- right after I posted this, mom called back saying they can just mail the cd to the guy. Who apparently lives near me. Umm... Yeah.. 11:06 a.m. - 2012-09-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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