silver4's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In between

Sometimes I have issues with sleep/wake, when I have generally been asleep already for a few hours or so. There comes a point in time, and it isn't regularly, but I guess it is a time when I somewhat want to wake up, but never like a planned thing, like for my alarm or anything. It's usually middle of the night, and I become conscious of my body in the bed, I can sense everything around me, I know who is with me if anyone, I can hear their breathing..basically how you feel when you first get in bed. Like just because the eyes are closed, you still know what's going on around you as you wait to drift off. So it is basically that feeling of awareness, but I am still asleep. And it feels...cloudy? Muffled, maybe? And I know that it isn't a point in which I am supposed to wake up, because my body is still down but my mind is active.

So when this happens, it isn't a pleasant experience. This "thing" started maybe ten years ago, on and off. It comes in spurts. Most of the time, a very uncomfortable pressure comes over my body, actually mostly on my mind, basically trying to force me back into sleep. But I can feel it, almost physically feel the pushing. And it's accompanied by a spirit and sometimes a voice. Sometimes a very unsettling laughter. I don't want to say that it is evil, because I don't know what it is. But I feel very uncomfortable when it pushes me back down, and I can't talk. But I can make sounds still, and I use every ounce of my energy to scream. It starts off as a quiet scream, because i can't open my mouth..like when you are just groaning or sighing. I just repeatedly scream my heart out until I can wake myself up. It sounds like a very pathetic effort, because it is so light, but I know I am doing it, I hear myself doing it, and I (impatiently) wait for the rest of my body to catch on and to hear me and to wake up. If I am particularly scared, the screams are no longer impatient, but instead frantic. As I am conscious about my body, I also work on moving my hands and legs, getting whatever combination of things to help me just wake up. It usually works, but sometimes I get myself up for a second or two, and then the pressure fights back. The pressure always fights back. If I am to succeed and stay awake, that's when I need to get the physical motion going so I can sit myself up or stand. Like I said, I know when someone is there with me, so I also am trying to wake them up so they will wake me up, as if I'm having a nightmare. In d school, i always slept in R's bed, and he witnessed it several times and would wake me up. It actually happened in April, now that i think about it, when i stayed in his hotel with him...I think it was that time. It never feels good. Several years ago, it felt like something was coming to me every time my feet were exposed out of the blanket and tried to pull at my feet. That was when I was the most scared. That was a very strong spirit that I could feel standing there..pushing me down and pulling at me. I would think, "maybe this isn't a bad spirit, maybe I shouldn't be afraid," but regardless, when it comes, I couldn't help but feel fear. So I started making sure my feet were always covered under the blanket, not hanging off the edge of the bed like I liked, and sometimes just pulled up closer to me. But if it still came, I would scream to wake.

So, I mention this, of course, because it happened to me just now. And last week when I was sleeping over at DW's. It hadn't happened for several months, I'm sure the whole time I've been dating him it hadn't happened. But when I was with him, it wasn't anything with my feet (I've since tried to grow past that fear and challenge it), but it was the uncomfortable spirit and pressure. So I started screaming, and screaming. I tried to get his attention. I felt him stirring and turn to me, but he didn't wake me. So I screamed more, and eventually woke myself up. It takes a lot of energy, I oddly get out of breath and my heart is racing from the endless cries. I woke up and looked at him, but he wasn't disturbed. And then I fell back asleep, and the pressure returned, and I screamed again. This time DW stirred some more, but he still didn't wake me. I woke myself and got some movement, enough to stop it altogether, and I raised myself in the bed, then stood up and went to the bathroom. Once I get active, it kinda fades away. Crappy thing is, that was like 3 am, and I was tired as fuck. So it passed, I drank some water, and eventually fell back asleep on my own terms. When we woke up like normal later on, DW brought it up. He was like "hey, you were making some weird noises in your sleep...you did it two times" and I said yea, I get these night terrors or something, it doesn't feel good, and I was trying to wake myself up. I didn't go into too much detail about it with him, I didn't feel like I wanted to. But I told him that I wanted him to wake me up when that happens.

This morning, I was having some nice dream, I met some guy who was actually pretty hot, his name was Steve. Not like that matters, but if I bump into a hot Steve today, I might have a problem with DW... I digress. But I'm in the end I guess of that dream, and I start transitioning into that faded cloudy zone, and then I am aware and I can hear the cars on the freeway outside my window (I don't have super powered hearing, but rather am right by the freeway. It doesn't bother me at all though, it's actually comforting somewhat). And I think, okay, it is later now, I guess I can wake up now? I didn't know what time it was, but you know how you can see that it has turned to daylight through your closed eyes? It was bright in the room, my inner mind was alert, my body was not. So I tried to wake up, and I shit not, clear as day, along with the pressure, I hear a male's irritated voice say "oh, stop it!" and I am startled. Although I can hear the cars zooming by, if anybody is outside, I can't really hear them unless they are really, really yelling. It's been like once in the 1.5 years that I've lived here. So i hear that voice and I'm thinking ok, I don't have a radio, there is nobody here with me, I'm on a second floor, it sounds like it's right next to me. And then I freak out and start screaming and trying to move my fingers. Again, the voice, sounding more pissed off, "just give up!" or maybe it was "just give in!", I can't remember that part now. And I am like ummm with those words of encouragement, hell no! So I scream and scream and wake up. I get up and walk to the bathroom. I look at the clock and I'm like fuck, it is Saturday at like 7:15 am, I should be sleeping in till 9 or so and be lazy for once. I was soooo tired too. But I let go of my sleepiness and stayed awake. And now I am sharing with you lovelies. I was scared because this is the first time that I've heard the voices like that, that direct. It has only been maybe mumbles or something indecipherable.

I had told my sister several years ago about it, and that's when I researched about night terrors. And she researched it too, and she told me that when it happened, to call out to some saint, saint Michael or something..I don't remember who, but that stayed with me and it helped me with the foot thing. To pray for him to take over or something. Well, now somebody is yelling at me. So I started looking that up online, haven't found anything yet. Sister is most likely asleep right now, but I'll bug her about it again later. The last time I talked to her about it was probably 8-10 years ago. I've kind of just accepted it happening over the years, and tried to adapt by hiding my feet and talking to a saint about it. But I don't appreciate being yelled at.

Well, now I'm extremely awake. Coffee time, and gym time. I'll figure this nonsense out. Or I'll just accept the man yelling at me.

7:34 a.m. - 2012-09-15

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

latest entry

about me

archives

notes

DiaryLand

contact

random entry

other diaries:

igotsprung
lanienaked
puresunsh1ne
deflective
enurta
lostasyou
journalmine
opposure
goose-girl
alethia
duplicitous
hematidrosis
ericg
permeation
starscream77
avantbedroc
raygirl999
athenyx
sntheticlove
omfggwtf
ninabean
newschick
evilyoyo
simeons-twin
warpednormal
fragilegirl8
cloudy-night
englishsucks