silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sleep I don't sleep enough. I have had trouble sleeping since d school, maybe even before. But a few months after school, my sleep semi-improved, and more importantly, the headaches I constantly had since I was about 8 years old also seemed to fade away. It was as if the final graduation from school was the cure to my headaches, which was actually significant to me. Who knows how much systemic damage I did to myself by taking those rx and OTC headache pills day in and day out for years. I always had a Costco stash of excedrin in my locker, along with a variety of other meds in case that didn't cut it, in d school. My self-diagnosis was that education was painful. This is about sleeplessness though. It is getting really annoying and making me more irritable. I guess it's time to check out a doctor. If anything, I'll get a prescription for something special, along with instructions to reduce stress, exercise, eat well, blah blah blah. The usual. Avoid alcohol (hah). It is odd, but I found that sleeping beside someone helps, usually. Last night is an exception, when I woke up to pee at 1:15 and sat in bed wide awake until after 3. I wanted to cry. It is the desperation to fall asleep, knowing that I only have a few more hours left until I have to go to work or tend to some business or jump on a flight. I take diphenhydramine pills almost nightly. I recently upped the dose. I took melatonin for a short while, more like an adjunct if the diphenhydramine didn't work, until one morning after taking it I found myself vomiting for hours. I wasn't sure what to attribute that experience to. I hadn't eaten anything crazy, I hadn't drank too much if anything at all, I wasn't pregnant that's for sure. I just woke up at like 5 am and started throwing up, with no stomach content, so there was no relief. I had taken a low dose melatonin around 3 that morning, in desperation, and then felt the queasiness soon thereafter. So that was the end of that (and coincidentally the end of the package, so I guess it worked out). I don't want to be addicted to sleeping pills like I was with headache pills, but I really really want to sleep at night. Anyways. I'll get past it somehow. On to more exciting news, well, exciting for me. This weekend I go back to SF for the Ada convention yay! I miss that silly little city. It's only for a couple days... Only Saturday is a full day, but I'm sure the weekend will be big. I'm staying with my friend GT, who is an eternal partier. In a way, i would rather not stay with him because I enjoy my solitude, but his spot is close to the venue, and it is better for social purposes. Besides, I will be at the convention for the bulk of Saturday, so I don't have to be concerned too much about incessant drinking and partying. Plus he works Saturday too, I believe, so it's just the other people staying at his place that are of concern. R is going, of course, but he mentioned that he is got a room with some girls, one of which he was dating supposedly. Who knows, who cares. I am extremely thankful to be out of the emotional grip he had on me, even though he does manage to still attack me when he is drunk enough and everyone else is nowhere around. If he has some girl he is dating, and she is actually there, then I should be safe from him this weekend. Not that I mind either way anymore. It was just the confusion, because I cared about him so much. It is not fair to be personally (physically, emotionally) close to someone and to use that to one's advantage in a selfish way, knowing that the other person is getting emotionally scarred along the way. The damage was done, I bounced back. It took a while, but I did. I really sucked at picking the guys in my life. I enjoy all of the friendships that they truly are or have been, but when it comes to my emotional, personal benefit, it never worked to my advantage. I fall for the wrong people, and I allowed the absolute wrong people to take advantage of me. If R didn't move to Texas, I would have pined after him for much longer. If I took his advice and word and moved there too, I would be a mess. I would be the wreck that I was in 2009-2010. I can not afford to be that person ever again. My heart cannot take it. I am happy with DW, but I can see how our relationship caters to him. His work schedule, his mood, his energy level. He is playing basketball, can't hang out. He is hungry, we should go eat now. He is tired at 10, we should go to bed now (why do I even come over? I want to spend time together; I could have slept at home). We are not balanced. Enough of that though. Feels like the sleeping meds are finally kicking in. Took about an hour. Hopefully I am out until at least nine or ten. Good night dland. 3:19 a.m. - 2012-10-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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