silver4's Diaryland Diary

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Solo en el sol

What's the point of having a relationship when you are still going to feel completely alone? I enjoy the guy, he makes me happy. But even when I am with him, I still feel entirely alone. I feel like there are certain things that I cannot say, things that may be important to me, but he has a jaded opinion or just doesn't understand. I don't expect much. I am sure I learned long ago not to expect anything really. Just take things as it is. Maybe the guy will impress me with a nice gesture or do something to make me feel good, something, anything. I am happy, no doubt. I am happier with him than without him. It is good to have him around for those moments when I do need him. Or whatever. But I feel completely alone sometimes. Empty. I can be sitting there right next to him, and feel absolutely nothing. Whatever. I'm being dramatic. It makes me feel like I would be better off alone sometimes. Not that the single life is any more amazing. I just want to feel appreciated. I am such a loving person. I am a giver. I treat whoever is my current guy with love and adoration. Maybe I need to be more selfish. Try to bring forth more effort from him. He claims that he is supportive of me and my decisions and all that nonsense. I just don't feel anything, I don't feel like he cares. I know he does, but I feel none of it. With his job, he is always tired. Completely exhausted. Sleeps all the time. Sleeps all night, we have breakfast, he is tired and sleeping again. I am the one with the nerve to want to hang out, not even have to really do anything solid, just spend time together. But he has to sleep. Too damn tired. How can people form a healthy relationship when one of the parties is so inactive in it? I don't mean to complain, like I said, I'm happy with him. He is kind to me, treats me well. We actually went out last night to this wine walk thing, and he met my dad. It was good. We saw a movie first, had the wine, acted goofy. It was good stuff, but apparently I have one day, one opportunity a week to get it all in, because eventually he will get tired and that is the very end of it.

I guess that's why we have vacations. Yay Hawaii. About three more weeks before that trip. Then he said that the holiday season is basically shit and he will be working like 60 hour weeks and will always be tired. Giving me warning I guess. Fuck it. I'm fine being alone, it will be about the same apparently. He says that we won't be seeing eachother much. I don't really care, I guess. I am the queen of independence and solitude. This is the life that I have made for myself. I will not complain about not seeing him or hanging out. That really isn't my complaint. I just want to feel special. Nobody makes me feel special. I have worked hard to get towards having what I want in life. I am not there, of course. Blah. I am responsible for my own happiness. I will make myself feel special. I need to get over this. Wish I could blame hormones, but nope.

I don't know what I envisioned for my life. I never envisioned having a husband or anyone beside me. I always expected to be alone but happy. Who knows. I am happy. I think I am happy. I just want to feel loved.

Too much to ask for.

Work is becoming more and more dramatic. They just dropped Wednesdays, so I will be working only 2-3 days a week there now. Mostly 3, but this one specialist comes in on random Tuesdays and they block out my schedule when he comes. I am trying not to freak out about it. I need the days, I obviously need to work. I need the money as much as the next person does. I try to talk this out with DW, but he says how he would love to have so many days off. He says that I seem fine, that I don't complain about money. But just because I don't talk about money doesn't mean that I am fine. I am not the type to burden other people with my financial issues or whatever other problems i may have. I handle it on my own without discussion. Just because I throw down $1000 on a CE course doesn't mean that I am balling, it means I really want to go to the lecture and it will be beneficial to me and my future. Blah.

I went to lunch at Olive Garden with my mom and a sister. Our server was quite terrible, messed up the orders, was confused on things, didn't quite have it together. Even the manager had to come out and fix things. Fortunately, my family and I are very kind and patient. He knew he slipped up a lot, and just to prevent any further disarray or complication with the bill, we all busted out cash (if we had cards, I swear we would've been double charged or something would swipe wrong; it was that kind of day). We threw the tip in, it was like $15 or so extra. I politely told him that we were all set, good to go, and thank you very much, blah blah. He took away the bill and the money, and then came back a couple minutes later. He was very clumsy in his words, and asked if we had wanted change back. I said nope, that's all you. He was super grateful, and said that he never got a tip like that before, and he appreciated us being patient with him through all the blunders. I think we felt like our tip was standard, it was like 20%, but it's nice that we made his day a little better.

Afterwards, I texted DW saying that I didn't want to go home and wanted to hang out if he was down. He said he was sleeping. Yawn. What an exhilarating relationship I have. I know, I know. It's no big deal. It's just such a cop out these days. Everybody just wants to text and send pics and stuff. I am the oddball who wants to actually spend quality time together. But I'm the bad guy because I'm potentially interrupting his desire to sleep.

So I shall enjoy wine, baseball, and maybe work out a little. I could go for some push-ups and weights. Distractions.

Happy Sunday, and if I don't update per my laziness throughout the week, happy Halloween!

3:54 p.m. - 2012-10-28

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