silver4's Diaryland Diary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Restless

I went to an exhaustive 8 hour course yesterday for some CE, some topic I am interested in and signed up for several months ago. It's a two-day course, so more coming soon. After the course, I zoomed home to clean up a bit more for the book club, which was fun, but again I was exhausted. Why do I keep saying exhausted? My friends left fortunately before 10 pm, and I basically went straight into the bed. Passed out. And here I am. Woke up around 1:20 or so. Dammittttttt I hate this shit. So I just took a pill. Writing in here actually helps me too. I try to write or read entries to calm my mind and settle me down a bit, and eventually my eyes get heavy. Eventually. I will be fortunate if I get sleepy enough by 2:30. I am tempted to double my dose on the pills ( I've already doubled it since maybe two months ago), but I do have to wake up around 6:45 for the class again. Class is clear across town, which, in Vegas, doesn't say much. I swear you can go from one extreme of the city/surrounding areas to the next extreme in half an hour with the freeways. I love it. Because I really am going from one round of outskirts to the next. Anyways, I would hope that a long ass educational session along with the party, that I would just crash. Which I did. And failed. Whatever. Maybe next time.

DW is coming over after my class today for dinner. I invited him last week to let me cook for him; we usually hang out at his place mostly, where if I want to have any morsel of food aside from a breakfast muffin, I must leave the premises. And I of course thoroughly enjoy cooking, it puts me at ease. So I extended the invitation last week, forgetting that I had the class. I half hoped he would forget, but no, he said that he was looking forward to coming over for a home-cooked meal. Grrr. To the grocery store I go after class. I don't know what I want to make, and I have no need to impress him. Last time I went all out and cooked, only to have him drag himself over sick/hungover from partying earlier, and barely eating a thing. So I am making what I want and not going overboard in any way, shape, or form.

I say that now. But I love to overdo it. Like I said, it puts me at ease.

Twenty-five minutes until 2:30. I can feel myself slowing down. Hopefully this is working. I will continue to stall.

We rarely talk on the phone, maybe once or twice a month. He will call me randomly, and I love it. I am generally always multitasking with texting several people and doing who knows what (this time was the last minute organizing for the party), so I don't think to call him much. Besides, I never know when is a good time to call him since he is always tired or working or blah blah blah, so it's always bad timing apparently. Even texting him I feel like I am interrupting his world. Well, he called me; we both just happened to be at the same venue around the same time. I was there for my class and on my way out, and he stopped there for his lunch break. But we didn't know it, so I said later that I had the class there, and he was like "shut up, no you didn't". Too late though, I was already back home by the time of this discovery. Just as well, i had a headache/eye ache, so I wanted to rush home for some excedrin. So we chat, he says stuff about me cooking, I say great yay super excited blah blah. And at the end, which has only been uttered once before, and only via phone, he said, "goodbye sweetheart, I love you," and I said the same. I don't have a big issue with saying that, but I do in a way. Four months, yeah, I like the guy. Sure, I suppose yeah I love him. But I really don't care to verbalized it at this point. Which is why I don't say it unless he says it first. And I know, I just KNOW, that one of these days he is going to give me shit for not saying it enough or saying it unprovoked, because that is how he is. He will say something about how he needs to hear it and it's not just in actions and being loving in behavior and showing affection, but that he needs me to say it. He honestly did not get enough positive, affectionate reinforcement as a child, or even as an adult in his relationships with his parents or other women, so he has some deep seeded issues with it. He is much needier than I am when it comes to affection, although for me it is different. I don't need to hear people say it, because I have always heard it. My family is loving. My mom always says I love you, we are all very huggy and close, but not in a cheesy way. We just care about eachother and check in often with one another. Same with my friends, we tell eachother that we love one another, even my assistants at work, we hug when it's been a long time off and haven't seen eachother. Maybe I just attract hugs. Or my arms were meant to hug. Yeah, that's it. My friends from school, we drink and get stupid, and love and hug it out. R, in particular, we used to always say it to eachother, every single day. And in my romantic relationships, as few as there are, the guys who were more than just sexual partners gave me tons of physical and verbal affection. Which is nice... Ah dammit, I am losing my argument here. I guess I should be more vocal. I just feel like we are still getting to know each other; he still can annoy the shit out of me and make me think "what the hell am I doing in a relationship, I should be alone". I feel like, if said too soon and too frequently, it can lose ground. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of times when I have wanted to say it to him, but bit my tongue instead. He actually got a little fussy towards me at the wine walk event we went to last weekend. I don't recall the context of the conversation, but he said something about being comfortable with one another, and my always-sarcastic, quick responding ass said that I don't think I am comfortable with him yet. But, as I tell my friends or anyone who just starts to know me, about 80-92% of what I say is sarcastic or a blatant lie. But like an obvious, outlandish lie. At the book club tonight, we were discussing how in the book these people separate their spirits from their bodies in order to fight the zombies. And I was explaining it to the girls who didn't finish the book, and I was like "yeah, you know, I do it all the time, separate my spirit from my body, and go on to do other things". My friend, AV, who knows at this point to ignore me, just said yeah, and let me keep on rambling, while apparently the other girls looked at me dumbfounded, and after a minute or so, were like "wait, wait, you what??" Then I had to explain that no, I don't actually separate me body from my spirit. AV gave the approximation of 92% of my words as bs. So that's what I mean by it being obvious. But no, I have to watch every single word I say to DW, because it can come back to bite me and become an argument. "What to you mean you aren't comfortable with me?" he asks, pulling away from me, a look of discontent and hurt on his face. Ughhhhh come onnnn...I talk to you all the time, we spend a decent amount (maybe not enough IMO) time together. In the almost five months we've been together, I will have taken more trips with him than I did with the bf I lived with for 3+ years. I think comfort is established. So he whines and I have to coddle him. If I should coddle someone so much, it should be a baby dammit, not a 28 year old man. I have enough drama at work, I don't want it at home as well. I forget my point there. Oh. Yes, something about affection and vocalizing it. Yes. After I told him that I didn't mean it, he fussed about how he's a man and he needs things verbal and he goes from what he hears. And I'm like oh, is that right? I thought all he needed was physical. He doesn't act like he cares what I say. I suppose it is selective. So I stare at him, indignant, and I ask him what does he need me to say? "What do I need to tell you, since you are sooo verbal and you are a man? Tell me what it is that you need to hear". Maybe I'm a little bitchy about it. Don't fuss with me when I'm drinking my vino and having a good time, dammit. I don't need that. So he didn't have a response. He didn't know what to say. I think he forgets that he is talking to a woman who has no problem standing her ground and throwing down if necessary. He has never seen me in action, but if he ever has reason to consult with R, I guarantee that R could set him straight with regards to me.

Btw, it is now 3 a.m. I am officially fucked for lecture.

I will finish this off with one more aside, and this will be about R. Our friendship. I've been talking to him a bit more lately, not much, just a couple bs convos here and there. Online, a text or so. I am, of all words, comforted by my relationship with him. He understands me and he sees through my bs. He knows when I'm serious and when it is the 80-92% nonsense. The vast majority of our conversations are pointless. Last week I told him about the dream I had of us baking a chocolate chip cookie cake. This week, I found a recipe for the cake and forwarded it to him and said that this was the cake of my dreams. He replied with a recipe for a rainbow cake, with 6 layers of different colored cake, and said that it was the cake of his nightmares. Nothing we say is important, and I love it. He said he just bought in to a practice, and that we should all come to him in Texas and visit him soon. I said January, because I have too much going on right now. He said that was cool, and so we told the rest of the group via our ongoing group text, but nobody replied hah. Guess it was getting late. Maybe tomorrow (err today..?). I bring this up because if I go to visit with the crew and have a big stupid gathering in Texas, I will not bring DW along with me. It is a different element of people I have. Respect for my relationship would have me tell DW about R and our background, as tumultuous and detailed that it is. I do not want to tell him about R, however, because I can anticipate his reaction and response. Especially if I mention that he was among the individuals who was here a few months back. I will never tell him how complicated and perfect our friendship is, or how he attacks me when he's drunk enough and nobody is around, or that I spent the majority of my drunken weekend nights in his bed, in his arms, in d school. Some things he doesn't need to know, obviously. But some things he deserves to know. R is an competitive emotional threat though to DW. So as DW strives for me to tell him all of my feelings, I still have too many residual ones for R, even though I see him only a handful of times a year. I no longer pine for what could have been or what we had; I know and accept and somewhat prefer that we are only to be friends. It is just going to take a lot of time and effort to hit the same level with DW, if it can even reach that level. I have a true natural connection with R. I am working daily on one with DW. Yes, I do love him, but it doesn't flow as naturally as it did with R. Then again, I wasn't dating R.

It is a work in progress. DW is worth it, I do care about him deeply. He's worth the emo nonsense, and if I have to tell him even more than I already do that I care about him, so be it. If he needs it, because of all his past issues, it is fine by me. I am a very loving individual. I will divulge more of myself to him. I already told him that he knows the worst of me, my past relations with unavailable men. I think R might be the real worst of me.

Okay, it is 3:28 now. I finally feel sleepy. Three extra hours of sleep and I will jump out of bed, ready to start the glorious day!

I fear this was a long entry. Good night d land, kinda. Have an awesome weekend :)

1:46 a.m. - 2012-11-03

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

previous - next

latest entry

about me

archives

notes

DiaryLand

contact

random entry

other diaries:

igotsprung
lanienaked
puresunsh1ne
deflective
enurta
lostasyou
journalmine
opposure
goose-girl
alethia
duplicitous
hematidrosis
ericg
permeation
starscream77
avantbedroc
raygirl999
athenyx
sntheticlove
omfggwtf
ninabean
newschick
evilyoyo
simeons-twin
warpednormal
fragilegirl8
cloudy-night
englishsucks