silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Progress? So...the last week or so.. I was under a ton of stress. I was irritated, sad, feeling a little depressed, neglected. The bf has been doing his own thing lately, and spending a lot of time with his friends, minimal time with me. I am not needy, I just want to feel like I have a boyfriend, wishing I had someone to talk to in person or to give me a hug when I need it most. He isn't very available, and it kinda sucks. And yes, I blew up a little bit. I was feeling pissed about all the time he spent with his friends, never throwing a second thought to maybe spend a couple hours with me, make me feel appreciated. I am not desperate for his attention, but fuck. When he is having issues and needs support, I am always there for him. I have a lot of stress from work, lack of work, money, lack of money, tons of bills, trying to do this start up, and not having a boyfriend there to talk to. I am tired myself. I am mentally exhausted. Yes, I get it. You work all day, you are tired. You are not the only person in the world who works a physical job more than 40 hours a week. But sweetheart, you chose it. If there is a problem and you are unsatisfied and upset with the way things go, switch it up. Quit. Find something else to make a living. I was unhappy with my main job, so I put my notice in. Voila. I have horrible sleeping problems, I can't sleep for shit without taking sleeping pills. I am stressed at my job for this time that I am still there, because they continue to fuck with my schedule, yet question why I am leaving. I have empty days and I am in need of more income. I look for jobs every day, but I don't want to settle for a corporate company that I know will just irritate the hell out of me. So anyways, I told him that I wasn't doing very well, and that I was sad and couldn't stop crying and I felt alone. Yes, partially because I don't have him, but it was more an accumulation of so many, many things. And I told him about how it bothers me that he has those stupid pictures of his exes, and he's sooo defensive about it. "Those are my good memories, it doesn't mean that I want the girls back. It's just a good time that I had. I had them up before I met you, I'm not going to erase my memories" blah blah blah defensive non-understanding idiocracy. Everyone else gets why it upsets me. I asked him why he would even want that shit displayed in front of me. He said it isn't about me, blah blah bull shit blah blah. He is just stupid and selfish, that's what it comes down to. He says if I had pics of my exes up, he would think it's just me remembering good times blah blah stupidity. Point being, yes, he's just a stupid idiot who can't get past his selfishness and can't understand the rational argument of respecting a relationship. Whatever. I don't live with the fool. If we ever lived together though, that shit would have to switch up. Anyways. Awesome aspects of the relationship. But actually being able to talk about that and all the other stuff and how I was sad and couldn't place it, I feel so much better. I just want to feel like I have a boyfriend who is there for me, not just some guy who I am talking to, who I just text every day and see every week or two. So. That's that. On to better news. I am not crying anymore. Yay. Stress isn't diminished though, and it will not be anytime soon, because I have found an office location! I cased the place a couple weeks ago, I don't know if I mentioned that. So I asked my lease guy to find me some info, and that he did. We have had a lot of email communication, and yesterday we went to meet up with the property manager to look inside and figure out dimensions and other details. I submitted my credit application to a bank for the business loan. The lease is being pulled together, and my gosh, this is moving so quickly! So I am doing so much background work, figuring out my contacts, trying to determine the floor plan and who I want to work with. I have to be careful because the supply companies want your (nonexistent) money, and try to push the newest and the greatest and the best equipment. I am not going to skimp on quality, but I don't need the $15,000 chair when the $4,000 one functions just as well...except I don't want the $4,000 one either. Hence, I aim to continue my research and check out products for myself, without the recommendations of the supply reps who encourage me to use such and such, with a smile. And oh, do they smile. My main supply rep guy, he's a sweetheart. But he already started talking to me about the new products and pricey products that I could get to have a wonderful, top of the line practice. Right. Thanks buddy. Just because I am a newbie to this, youngish, female, it doesn't mean I don't have this planned out. I know what I am doing..kinda. Lots of price comparison. Okay, well that's mostly it for now. I just popped a handful of sleeping pills, so it is time to let them do their job. Apparently I work tomorrow? I have been off today and yesterday, it's hard to fathom that I still have a job. Sure doesnt feel like it, but hey, that's why I am making my own office. This free time has given me time to do these meetings and visits and consults, organize my ideas, and I have spent some great time at the gym, so I am not wasting away at least. Using my time semi-wisely to finally plan my future. Holy crap, I am really doing this. Eeek... 10:50 p.m. - 2013-02-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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