silver4's Diaryland Diary

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Clumsy

A couple times tonight, I had some "oh shit" moments, where I thought "Am I really doing this? Can I really do this? How in the world have I brought myself to do this??" I have nay-sayers behind me, telling me that the timing is off and the economy is bad and blah blah blah. But isn't my ultimate goal exactly what I am setting myself up for? Didnt I go into this with hopes to be my own boss and have things my way? Isn't this my "dream"?

Eleven years ago I began taking assisting classes. Twelve? Meh, 11.5. I didn't see this as the end product. I didn't have an end product. I wanted a job. I liked my hygienist. She was nice, and talked to me a lot.

Fast forward through the classes, the other classes, the school transfers, the major transfers. The "relationships", the heartbreaks, the friendships, the moves, the pain, the years, the headaches, all these damn books that I am terrible at ridding myself of because one day I will need to review a chapter from my "magic, witchcraft, and religion" course (yet I'm sure I easily sold my organic chemistry books...), all the money spent, all the credits earned, the graduation, the degree, the next graduation, the next degree... Why not? Why the heck not? This is my life. Other people make wonderful things happen for their selves, why can't I? And for others. I am no less capable. I have the ability to do this, I don't care what the ignorant negative words may be. I rock, dammit.

And so do you. YOU ROCK!

Let's make it happen. Just do it. Make it work. Do we know how? Do I know how? Probably not. But that's life, that is experience. I'm going to screw up, a ton. I have already screwed up, a ton. My name screams hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt. So what? Nobody else is going to do this for me. Nobody else will create my path in life. I am responsible for me. Until I am responsible for someone else, if I have kids. In the meantime, I am going to keep going with this flow. I am barely working right now, I work like 2-3 days a week. Am I freaking out? Nope. Will I freak out, around mid-April? Hell yeah! Is it a big deal? Nah. This is all one huge, expensive, enriching, entertaining, ideally satisfying experiment.

Will it work? I hope so. Will my relationship work? Again, I hope so. If it doesn't, the office or the relationship, well... it's been entertaining.

I can't give up. At this point, I can't turn back. And I don't want to. I am having fun creating my "baby". When people ask me if I have kids, I say that my office will be my baby.

I am happy. I am broke...but I am happy. And I remember looking through the community college catalog on my bed at nineteen, thinking what other classes can I take? What should I take?? And I had T at the time, the best friend and lover and confidant that I needed at the time (later to shatter my heart and throw me into an abandoned depression never to heard from again), and we looked at the book together, and I told him that I always thought the dental office was cool. And he asked "why don't you take assisting classes....?"

11:04 p.m. - 2013-03-11

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