silver4's Diaryland Diary

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I kinda hate talking about DW with people when they ask about him or ask when they are going to meet him, etc. I have always been somewhat private about my personal life to an extent (excluding this diary I suppose), and I only share certain details with certain people (sisters, closest friends). In general I really have nothing to say about him, because I barely see him. In the beginning it was cool, he is fun, we spent time together, we got along well, we kept eachother in check. We balanced one another well enough. He is a good guy, he's nice and sweet and blah blah blah. That is all good and well. But like I said, I barely see him lately. We don't live far from one another. We text throughout the day, so yes we communicate. But how satisfying is that? So yes, he came over last weekend for honestly about two hours. He was sick, but came to show face because we otherwise hadn't seen eachother in weeks. I love him, I miss him. I tell him so. He says the same. I asked earlier last week, can we spend some more time together this weekend? I even said a few weeks ago that I would like to spend a whole weekend with him. That isn't impossible, that isn't asking for too much. He runs out of town with his friends and sees them way more regularly than his own girlfriend. I get it, I totally understand the bonds of friendships versus a "new" relationship. Anyways, he said sure to this weekend to see eachother. Then yesterday rolls around and I ask what's his availability, because yes, I feel like I need to schedule an appointment. No reply for an hour, I then text again, let me know if you still want to hang. His reply: "Just not a good weekend. Bball is nuts right now"
Okay. Okay. My reaction, I am incredulous, and I start crying. It takes a lot to make me cry. He's basically told me that I am not important enough to stop watching march madness bs. Yes, I completely understand the importance of sports to some people. It's a big deal, they have a big following. I enjoy watching sports every now and then. But the truth is, I have seen my "boyfriend" for two hours in the last month. Not an exaggeration. Thirty days, two hours. He can complain about the busyness of work and his exhaustion with work and all that shit all he wants to, but imo he isn't the only person in the world with a job. Or a more physical job. At this point, it really doesn't matter how "great of a guy" he is, I never see him. We don't hang. His priorities are focused on anything and everything else, but he says he loves me and all that nonsense. It really doesn't matter how much you love someone, apparently. He can be a fantastic, wonderful, loving, adoring, giving person, but if I only see him for two hours with no true affection or anything, and then I am shot down because of basketball, what is the point? So I cried and just screamed to myself, I don't deserve this, I don't deserve this! I deserve someone who wants to spend his time with me. Not all of it, but come on. Something reasonable. It's like, who am I kidding at this point? I say yes I have a bf, but how? Who? Where's the proof? I am alone, I go to events alone, I get hit on at parties and when out as I don't have anybody by my side to prove otherwise. So I started to text him back, but then I texted AV to see if she could talk, because I needed a rational mind aside from my own. She called me and my words were interspersed with choked up tears, and I explained the situation. She knows of previous things I have said and brushed aside, and she knows how I am and would call me out on whether or not I am overreacting. It's like I just push it all down and say "oh it's okay, just work on the project" or just go do this or go do that. I don't want to do this and that, I want companionship. I don't need it, but dammit, I actually do. So she said that yeah it's not cool and I shouldn't have to just put up with it. I know I am a good person, and I know that I am a wonderful girlfriend, and I am giving and caring and loving and all that shit, but I need reciprocation. So I took some deep breaths after we hung up and I wrote him a looooooong text, saying basically 1) thanks for being honest (vs where he said he would hang out, knowing damn well he would rather watch basketball), 2) I know I have been a great gf to him and that I don't ask for much, but I need more than what he has been giving me lately. And that i know that he needs a balance in life regarding relationships and friendships, but I can't sit in the background forever ready for when it's convenient for him. I said that I know he and I have maybe nothing in common and he has everything in common with his friends and that he's naturally going to want to spend more time with them or do the things that he loves (bball), but that if we want our relationship to grow, we actually have to be together. I said that I'm not clingy and needy and trying to have all his attention, but it's like I'm a hindrance to him and that I have to beg him to spend time with me. This was a really, really long text. I said that yes I love him and care for him, and I'm not trying to make a big deal of it, and I am not breaking up with him, but that he basically needs to figure out if he wants to have me as a partner or not. I told him that i need to feel loved, just as anybody else does. I sent this maybe around 3 or so, and I said that I didn't expect him to reply anyways right away because I knew he was busy with bball all weekend apparently. And I didn't say it all in an accusatory manner at all, it was calm and I tried to get it across that I am not angry, but moreso concerned with what is the point of being together if we are never together. I said I wasn't trying to be argumentative at all. So of course he didn't reply all night, nor thus far today. And I won't bother him. I'm tired of feeling like I am bothering him. But I am more tired of having a half relationship. So if he cannot step up and put on his adult pants, I give up. There is someone else out there who can love me. I was happy to be with him, I am happy to be with him. But i am not someone to be disregarded. I got into a relationship so that I wouldn't have to be alone and single. But if that's how it has to be again for a while, so be it. Anyways, yes I stopped crying. It didnt last for long. Unfortunately I got all hot and felt like I was getting a fever after I cried like that, and i got a headache, so that pissed me off and I dosed myself with ibuprofen, vitamins, water, everything to flush myself, and eventually just took some sleeping pills. I had a cold washcloth on my forehead and neck, so weird that my body reacted like that. Maybe I was lovesick? Hah.

Okay well..happy st pattys day! I am not sad. I know I deserve someone who can and will be there for me. I don't need 24 hour partnership, I just want a partner who can be there. Just like my car issue last weekend, I just knew that it would be pointless to ask him to pick me up. I deserve a knight in shining armor who would feel it is his duty as a man to come and rescue me. I am not weak, I can fend for myself. But I shouldn't have to. And that was a concern of his, that I don't seem to "need" a man. Doesn't matter if I NEED you, you should be there regardless. I know we are good together, the question is whether or not we can make it work, and if he can find the time to be with me. I told him that friends will always be there and will always support you. The unwritten subtext is that it is the relationships we involve ourselves in that will change.

Anyways. Time for coffee and breakfast. I think I have room for a couple "I-told-you-so"s. I doubt he will call me today, or text rather. And yes, I hope I ruined basketball for him yesterday. Happy Sunday.

8:26 a.m. - 2013-03-17

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