silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm okay (I'm not okay) I act a lot stronger than I am. I'm actually pretty weak...in some respects. I cried too much. I hate that feeling, I hate the feeling that someone else took control of my emotions and twisted them around and pointed them towards a different direction than where I wanted them to go. I still cried today. I'll probably cry tomorrow. I know it was the right thing to happen, but I question it, like why did I have to call him out on it? Why couldn't I just sit back and accept it, and remain "happy in love"? Well...because it wouldn't be fair to me. He said that he "can't" find the time for me. He says "can't" like it is a matter of impossibility. The truth of the matter is, it is a choice. He "won't". He will not make the time, and that is all there is to it. Does he see it that way? No. He is stuck thinking that "can't" and "won't" are interchangeable. And I am the one who suffers the consequences of his confusion. Truthfully, I do not want to be alone. In spite of the bullshit of the last month, I was happy with him. I was comfortable, I felt secure, I felt like I could love him, for the rest of my life. I felt like I could promise myself to this one person and never want for anyone else. I had no reservations when I was hit on by another guy, when I was asked for my number, I had no doubt that I did not want that person to talk to me, because I only wanted DW to have me. The sad thing for me personally is the fact that my mind and my body can feel when it is right. Sad/good, who knows. But when I went on dates with other people or slept with some other people, it just felt wrong to have them touch me or hold my hand or kiss me or anything. It was like a loud NO, WRONG!! going off in my head, and I felt the absence of connection, and so I wouldn't let it continue any further. Definitely with gym guy before DW, it felt so wrong. But then, as corny as this may be, the first time he held my hand, I felt comfortable. I felt like I could hold his hand forever. I felt like I could be in his arms forever, I could kiss him forever, I could love him forever. That's only happened with two other people I could think of, the physical connection. Not sex, just the touch. And those people were also wrong for me, but at the time, they were right. Circumstance always takes control, and I cannot dictate where a relationship will go, but man. And now I think, my hand is so empty. My arms are so empty. I don't want empty kisses. I don't want empty sex. I don't want someone holding me at night who shouldn't be holding me. It's not right, and my body knows it isn't right. This fuckin hurts. I'm just faking it, guys. I am pretending to be tough, but it sucks, and it hurts. And I did awesome last night. I went to the barbecue, we chatted, we joked around, we were all silly and stupid and I played with the baby and tried some blueberry beer. I email him and say hey just send my stuff to my office address, I'll pay you back. And then I get in the car to drive back home and I can't listen to the radio because I don't want to hear the words. I don't want to hear anyone. I want it to be quiet and I want an empty mind and I just want to get home and go to sleep. And I wake up today and i do awesome. I was off today, and so I organized stuff with the floorplan, I called the contractor, I called the architect and set up a meeting. I finished up gathering my papers for my taxes and calculating a bunch of crap at Starbucks for like two hours, with sticky notes everywhere, and amazed that I paid like $20,000 towards my student loans last year and seeing where all the money I "made" really went over the year ($4000 on classes, geez, $2000 on flights and hotels), and then I go to office max and buy some ink cartridges and I forward my floorplan to M for comparison because he is also doing a startup, and I email some design ergonomics lady and say I'll get some cad shit to her soon. I go drop off my file to my accountant and we chat about life and my office plans and decide to schedule a meeting after tax season ends so we can get the tax stuff down for the office and to set up the S corp nonsense. But I was crying on my drive there, i tried to hide it, he didnt detect anything. And it was llke a 25 min drive, in silence, because I just don't want to hear anything. But when it is all done and I don't have anything to distract me, man, my mind goes back and I just lose it again. Yes, I know. I know I deserve better. I know he is actively NOT trying, by his own doing, and those are the facts and that is it. And I text my sis and AV and my assistant MM, and I say hey, I'm doing okay, thanks for checking on me, it's all good, it's his loss, blah blah blah. But I am the one feeling the pain. I am the one who just couldn't make it. Couldn't make it work, couldn't who knows what. And so I start watching a dental management video that I ordered and sipping my wine, taking notes for when I get my things organized and forms and all, laughing along with the audience in the video, until my mind sways, and I am laughing alone, and I am sitting by myself when I want to be with somebody, give me anybody, but somebody who my body will accept next to me. And I email him, one last time, in a moment of calm, and I say that I realize that he is unwilling to make time for me, I apologize for asking him to stay when he doesn't want to, I don't hate him, I have no ill will towards him, and that I hope that he finds someone who he wants to make time for. And I mean it. I don't hate him. He is a good person. Just not my person, regardless of what these incessant tears and my stuffy nose is telling me, but again, I have been sipping on wine for a while, so who knows where my true feelings and emotions lie. It is all just stupid, and I am totally strong, but I am totally weak at the same time. I have to pretend. It's like anything, fake it till you make it. So I tell my friends and my sis that hey it's all good, I am just doing what I have to do to get my office up and running and yay one less distraction, but no. Come on. I am human. Such an unnecessary pain to feel right now. I know. It is his loss. It really is. But I am the one hurting. And I want that shit to stop. Well, book club is hosted at my place this Friday. I will clean up and finish the book and put on my happy face and be sarcastic, clever, witty, funny me with the strange reading voices that they all know and love and expect. But I can't wait until the weekend. I am ready to be left alone. I don't want to work, I don't want to have to talk to anyone or socialize. I want to be here, by myself. And if I want to douse myself to sleep with sleeping pills (don't worry, I would never overdose. Too much to do), just to remain in a calm state of sleep all damn weekend, that's what I will do. That is my plan actually. Last night I took 4 pills when I got home, slept, woke up at 3, took 2 more, slept till 8 and wanted to cry because I wanted to keep sleeping, but I knew I had to compile my tax info. Seriously. I thought, oh no, you have to call contractor, architect, finish taxes and drop them off with the accountant, and you should start now since it is 8, but give them a while to get to work in case they don't start till 9 so go ahead and make your coffee and take a shower and feed the turtle and gather your papers. Write a couple emails and see what's up with Facebook. Go ahead and like someone's status, and post one of your own. Last night I put the excerpt that warpednormal wrote in my notes. It touched me. Oh, everyone is liking it to their heart's content, but I left no context, just shared it away. But I am fine. It's normal to feel sad. I talked to R and asked him what happened with his gf. He and I and everyone knew they had to break up, they should have never started dating, because his background is Indian and his parents are strict on who he can date and marry, and she is Persian, and that is a big no. All of his friends know that he is supposed to marry an Indian, his choice if not his parents, and that's the end of it. He fell for someone else, and now is a crying wreck like me. He knew what he was doing though. He took the chance, knowing his parents would shut it down. He cannot or will not disobey them, and so it is an open and shut case. So we commiserated, and just because he is going through it too, in a different way, doesn't make it hurt less. Nothing does. Nothing. I texted AV that I was fine and thanks for last night, and that I was feeling better. At the time I felt better. Right now I don't. But she replied all happy that I feel okay. Sure. I will maintain the lie. But you guys know the truth. This crap is stupid and it hurts. And I don't want to think about the dimensions of my damn floorplan right now, or what chairs to order, or how much to allot towards stupid supplies, or how much my damn lawyer costs. In this very moment, I don't care, and dammit, I don't want to care about it. In this moment, I am not a damn doctor. In this moment, I am a girl, crying over a boy, and I will remain that girl as I cry myself to sleep. Don't feel bad for me, I have to get it out to move on. Besides, I'm fine :) Well, I am. Actually, I kinda toned down the sniffles and tears about a paragraph and a half ago. Progress! May the ones you love be willing to love you back, with all their hearts. Otherwise, it just isn't worth it. 6:51 p.m. - 2013-03-19 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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