silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Blah blah Went out to some club last night, R is in town with some of his friends from Dallas. It was a group of 13 guys, mostly Indian, who are all young and rich. Two of the guys owned like 40 Little Caesars shops, one guy owned a watch company, one some sandwich chain, one some Sprint stores, things like that. R has bought in to at least three dental offices now. He is one of those people who I am not, although I love him tremendously, but he is one who is working the business angle of dentistry, and is taking ownership in offices in some company out there, basically to make big money. Huge money. All I can say is good for him, but that is not for me. I would feel like such a low person if i did that. It isn't in my character. It doesn't make him a bad person at all, but he is built for that, it is what he wants. He is also planning to retire by 30, and he is 24. Again, good for him. My love for him has grown with our relationship. He is a good friend, and we respect one another. He is still the closest one to me in our group, and I think all the drama of our friendship when we were in school set the ground for the strength of our relationship now. He is setting himself up to be among the wealthiest of the wealthiest, and he is happy with it, but somewhat concerned with what it is making him. I told him to be true to himself and if it isn't a good thing, he needs to back away from them, distance himself. He said that they had gotten in trouble at the hotel for having drugs in the room; apparently they were all smoking weed and it could be smelled in the hallway. But in addition to that, they had tons of coke and something else that started with an M, like mauna or something, I don't know, I'm not drug savvy. But they got like a warning from security or something. Obviously drugs are commonplace, and who in the world could be surprised by drugs in a Vegas hotel room. But I honestly didnt want to be associated with that, I wanted to distance myself from it. I don't want R to be associated with it at all either, but I can't control him. He said he wasn't doing it, just the weed, which is fine by me, but I don't want him dealing with other stuff. So he and his girl broke up last weekend as well, and it is tough on him, maybe tougher than mine. Mine, whatever, it makes sense to have broken up. In a way, we already were, we just didnt know it. People in a relationship shouldn't spend that much time apart when they are so close in vicinity to one another. I was just happy having somebody than not. But I don't want to talk about me right now. Back to R, very strict Indian parents, his mom particularly. She wasn't aware that he was dating this girl, who is Persian, and they were a month older than my relationship. His dad knew, and he was already iffy on it, but once he told his mom, she told him no and to shut it down immediately. So he is hurting, and I believe this is his first real relationship. He tries to find Indian girls, but no one has come along who fits the bill, or they just expect things, like material things and to be paid for and all, from what he reports of his experiences. So anyways here he is in town with these guys who are all about throwing their money around and drugs and alcohol, and of course sleeping around. I have never before felt like a piece of meat, but when I arrived to the casino and R brought me over to where the guys were eating dinner and introduced me, oh my gosh the way they were looking at me was like I might as well have sat myself upon the table to be devoured! It was like raging eyes, and I really never feel uncomfortable around a bunch of guys, but this was weird. It was fine, I sat and talked with them and joked around and shit, but you kinda know when someone is into you, and they started speaking in Indian to one another and were looking at me, and I was like ummmmm...R...? One of the guys I talked to a bunch, he was chill, he had a girlfriend back home and told me that he thought I was beautiful and that he'd never been with a black girl and that if he could he would get with me, but of course the gf. We just joked around, there was no way I would have hooked up with any of them, I never go home with people in the clubs. Another of the guys was like "do you not like to get laid?" And I was like what?? Because I thought I didn't hear him correctly. He repeated himself, and said we should go wander the club and find him a girl to sleep with and find me a guy to take home. I told him basically bs, but in general I never have and never will be the type to go out to the club and just sleep with some random guy. I've flirted around of course or I'll kiss them and shit, but I can't recall ever going home with anyone. Which is not a bad thing. And for the moment, it has nothing to do with the recent breakup. I do not feel like I need much of a cooling off period, I don't need months and months to recover and regain control of myself. If someone comes along next week who I find interesting, sweet. But I have never been one to sleep around like that. And I am not one to be in relationships much in the first place either, so I highly doubt I will find anybody any time soon who I would want to be with. Yeah. It's just not for me. So anyways, R was talking to some Indian girl at the club and he said he might do something stupid, and I said whatever, do something stupid! You're in Vegas, you're with a bunch of guys who also intend to do stupid things, have fun and be safe. I ended up feeling out of place there, the guys were all talking to girls who were very flirty and they started making out all over the damn place, and I didn't want to be a hindrance to R (he was trying to talk to the girl but he had invited me and didnt want to leave me alone), so I told him I was tired and I was going home. I had barely drank, like 4 drinks maybe, and I didn't feel buzzed or anything, so I felt fine to drive. He told me no, and that I should stay in the room with them tonight, but honestly, like I mentioned, there was no way I was going to sleep in the room with all those drugs and thirteen sex-crazed rabid men. R had said they ran out of coke on Friday and so one of the guys went out and bought $800 more of it. Yeah...not for me. Not to be judgy at all, the guys were cool and fun. Just not for me. Anyways I told R that I love him and that I will visit Dallas soon, and said hey go make mistakes but be good, and that I care about him and want him to do well and be smart. That I've always been the mama bear to him and the crew and it is within me to look out for him and take care of them. He said thanks and that he loves me too etc, but that who takes care of me? I said no one does. It was a kinda sad moment, I shrugged at it, and we talked a little bit more before I left. Anyways. I went to del taco and got some standard 2 am drunk food, chili cheese fries and fish tacos??? Chowed down on those and passed out, for almost 4 hours, and here I am! Sleep deprived as always. I had taken some sleeping pills a couple hours prior to going out because I just really wanted to sleep, but it didnt kick in, until I had pulled up to the hotel and started feeling lethargic. I took them maybe around 6, I got to the hotel at 9:45. I told R, because he was privileged enough to be witness to my sleeplessness during dental school since I always slept in his bed, and he scolded me about still taking sleeping pills and drinking. But I don't do them like together. Usually in school it was party party party, pass out, wake up, damn can't sleep, take pills. Then they started becoming standard for me, and now they are routine. But it was never like pills and chase it with alcohol or anything. But I had a couple red bull vodkas and I perked up within an hour for the club. Life is such an interesting experience. I've been through so much with R now, and even though a lot of it was painful and rough on me emotionally, I love him tremendously. He's a good person, I just hope these guys don't sink their teeth into him and influence him. They were arrogant and obnoxious and crude, and he isn't like that. Anyways. It was good to see him. Love the guy. We should be having our annual meeting soon enough, I believe it was for Hawaii this year. Works for me. Hopefully I will have my office up and running and I won't have to worry about requesting time off from anywhere, because I will be in charge of my own schedule. Alright, dare I venture into how I've been feeling? Meh. I'm guess I'm good. Like I said, it was the right decision, it was bound to happen. But just because it was the best decision doesnt make it hurt any less. Whatever. I was already feeling like we had nothing to say to one another anymore as it was, but I was holding on with hope of it coming back and us growing together. Life is better accompanied. I do feel quite alone, in so many ways, not just the lack of a relationship. It's my friendships as well. Book club is good, it keeps me around people, but they are closer knit to one another. My closest friend for the longest time was AV, but I swear, after I moved away for dental school, things changed, and for the better for her. She has a strong relationship with her husband and they have their kid now, and the people she hangs out with are similarly married and babies, and they do all this married with baby stuff together, and I just don't belong. Do I want to be married with a baby so I can hang out with them more? Nah. But I do feel left out, especially when they are making or confirming their plans in front of me. But it's fine. Like i say, my office will be my baby. Geez I'm so tired. But I can't fall back asleep. It's okay. I'll make my coffee and start the day. The bags under my eyes are very sexy. 7:35 a.m. - 2013-03-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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