silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Do not as I do I went out last night for my friend's concert again. Drank waaaay too much. Was completely out of service all day today. Didn't hook up with that guy last night. Saw him there, but he was acting weird kinda. I think because I was talking to other guys, it seemed, but they were all of our mutual friends mostly. Oh well. I texted him today in one of my lucid moments and said that I was hungover and he said yea I drank a lot. I left it at that, just throwing out a line. I'll probably bug him tomorrow or so. I was headachy and got sick a few times. Stayed in bed until about 9 pm, and made some passion iced tea lemonade in my glorious iced tea maker. Sipped a glass, back in bed. Yawn. I am entertaining, no doubt. I am a wreck when I drink too much. Actually, I think it is specifically the vodka. I become chatty and very verbally sexual. I don't think that is a good thing. I am honest though, but some things I shouldn't say to my male friends. But I always give the disclaimer that I am drunk and to disregard what I say. Meh they still love me anyways. Although one guy apparently was upset with me slightly because his ex girlfriend gave me a goodbye kiss on the lips when she left. I was like really? Girls do that sometimes. Kiss on cheek, kiss on lips, just a peck and a bye. Nothing sexual about it. I was like wow, he must be really emo. A crappy thing was that she was there with another guy, but oh well, it happens. That's life when you have a whole crew that is integrated for a long time. People get attached to the core group of friends and just because one breaks up, doesn't mean you can't talk to people again. He is my friend first of course. I don't even have the ex's number nor know her last name. Blah. Relationships. I had also went to a baby birthday party earlier in the day, AV's 1 year old son. That was fun, and in the end all of us "adults" jumped around in the bounce house. One of the guys there lives with the couple; he has been around for maybe 7 or 8 years or so. I forget the context, but he talks and talks and rambles to the point of annoyance and exhaustion, but somewhere in his words, he blurted out that he thinks I have always been beautiful and gorgeous. And this was sober. It was nice to hear from someone who wasn't under the influence of anything. Also after saying several things that he agreed with, he said that I am his soul mate..but joking around of course, but he seemed to latch on to me for a while after all of that as the day went on, and then he wanted me to stay and hang, but I had to get ready for the imminent drinking disaster. Nice guy, but I can't even consider him, because I know myself and I know that I am bad for certain guys, and I won't allow myself to mess around with anyone else that is part of her central crew. I've already done my damage there hah. I've slept with two guys associated with them in some form or another, and played around with a third. And a fourth has an unending crush on me since we first met 12 years ago, but he is someone I could break easily, so I won't do that. It is sad, I feel the need to spare guys from my wrath. The good guys. People say girls don't want the good guy, but I actually do, I hate the douches or the ones who just want to hook up. But I feel like I don't deserve the good guy, so I don't even try to get involved. It isn't worth it, for them. I just know that I am going to be me, and in time that will hurt them. Actually, when I dated D1 7 years ago, he was a good person. Unfortunately, he was so engrossed in video games and in not spending any time with me that it became pointless and hopeless. I strive to be a better person, but it is tough to change your core. I know I am good, but I know that I am a huge flirt and tease, and when I sleep with a guy, the romanticism of it isn't there, it is just physical, and I tire of that, and I don't want to subject these good-hearted people to my wrath and the inevitable doom. I don't want to destructively drink anymore. I hate going overboard. I know that the Texas trip will be terrible and out of control in terms of alcohol content, but I am hoping it isn't a huge disaster. I am going for a lecture Friday/Saturday, and then staying at R's place sat night, leaving late Sunday. I really want to focus on the class, so I don't want to stay with him Thursday or Friday nights. It would be such a waste of the $1300 course fee. I am pinching pennies as it is right now. I also realized that with all of the recent expenditures associated with my project, and the resultant disappearance of my savings accounts, I am not allowed to quit any of my jobs any time soon. It would be nice to add on more days, actually, but I do appreciate having the potential time to work on the project. Or a day like today to waste completely recovering from a hangover. Ugh. Okay, I shall retire again I guess. I slept all day, I have nothing else to do (save project work) and no one to talk to, so the only thing to do is sleep again, while I can. I no longer take sleeping pills, which is a plus. Doesn't mean that I am sleeping better, but my experience is equal enough to being pilled out. And I have more dreams. I think it is better for my brain activity. I am interested to find out what happens during that course (a sleep study seminar), because we get hooked up to machines to evaluate our sleeping for purpose of apnea diagnosis. I do wish I had somebody who wants to be with me. It becomes a lonely world at times. I could use the comfort of a man's arms. I miss being held. When I've hooked up with that newest guy, there was never anything afterwards. Yes we would chill and talk, but nothing sweet, you know? I just want to connect with someone. M wants to hook up again. He will be in San Diego next month and wants me to drive down and meet up with him. Says he will take me to a nice dinner and be romantic etc. Is it bad that I am tempted? He treats me well, he is kind and adoring, and we work well together. I tell myself that I shouldn't go (still tons of time to decide, and it is just a mere 5 hour drive over), but the part of me that longs to connect with someone again wants to just go and not care and just have fun. Morally I shouldn't. Ethically I shouldn't. But realistically, the deed has already been done. It isn't like anything new. If someone new with a similar situation came along, I would just strike it down immediately now. There are too many guys I have met lately who fit that image and I do not want to go down that path again, for myself. Wasn't I supposed to go to sleep? Okay. I'll quit now. Maybe the decision will be made for me. Maybe by then, CW will realize that he can not fathom life without me anymore and wants to spend his time with me and be sweet to me after sex. Is that a possibility? Is it realistic? I highly doubt it, knowing me. So most likely I will make the SD trip. And also go to the ikea on my way back since I have been meaning to. Blast. But a girl could dream, and she hopes to tonight. I will possibly even see if there is a friendly star in the night sky waiting for me. 9:59 p.m. - 2013-06-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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