silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Just coffee "Stop reaching," I say. "It's pathetic." How did it turn out this way, a girl like me? Who is this girl? And how do I get her to stop this nonsense? When did all of this become a challenge, a difficulty? I want to put forth the effort, because I believe that it would be worth it. But when it comes down to it, I don't know anymore. Such a sick joke. I can only throw out a line so far. It has to be caught in order to work out correctly. Why is it all so damn complicated? Why is it that the things that should be difficult and trying and in need of attention and regard, why is it that those things turn out to be the easiest? This project does not drain my mental capacity. I retain my faculties and arrive promptly, functional and ready for action, with my sacred list of ongoing questions or concerns or comments that portray my vigilance. This emotional crap is taking its toll on my common sense. Give me practicality at any moment in time; it will bring me calm and solace. Fortunately I rarely deal with it, and put due focus on the right things. Counting down the days. Stalking eBay for practical deals, durable materials like instrument trays and cassettes, dispensing materials, shade guides, etc. Not real stuff that would actually stay in a mouth. I feel it's too chancy to buy filling materials on eBay, even though I know it is likely the exact same, I would prefer to find those with my direct supplier. I have spent over $500 on eBay already I'm sure. I made a series of five appointments or meetings yesterday for Thursday: 8, 9:45, 11, 12, 2... So far. Actually I have one to reschedule for the afternoon as well...must call them today. Possibly TMI, but the 11:00 is a personal one, for a Brazilian. A girl needs at least five minutes to her self, right? I need to sneak a pedicure into that day somehow as well. Might not get a chance. Otherwise, it is basically meeting with architect and whoever's there at the spot, orthopedic surgeon follow-up visit, Brazilian, lunch meeting with large equipment rep, meeting with property insurance agent, and somewhere in there I will throw in a meeting with my lab. Likely to lose some sanity throughout that day. There are so many things I have to do and organize and buy and store in my tiny apartment over the next two months. Crap, my mind just went crazy for a moment. Gotta get back on track. See? This is why any thoughts of emotions or desire for a partner for a fragment of affection just fade away. I could definitely use a hug or a kiss or ANYTHING ELSE, but when? Who? I have my thoughts and interests, but it all just seems like what it truly is: pointless, pathetic reaching. So instead, I will do what I do best. I will continue to be everyone's damn friend and not reach at all, I will walk this unsteady path alone (I've been doing great on the trail so far), I will be business-oriented and project-focused, I will rock this shit and make a good name for myself, and that will make me happy and comfortable. And maybe, maybe, maaaaaybe meet someone along the way. As for the meantime, my compadre will be this lovely pot of coffee that I am about to brew. So I can work on my project before I get ready for work. Because apparently my body wanted to wake up at 5:30 today, and I don't work till 9. Bring it. Crap I haven't mentioned Dallas trip..okay..next entry. Bulletpoints: Okay coffee time! No time for love. Just coffee. Hm...that should be my new personal slogan... On it. 5:58 a.m. - 2013-07-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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