silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Connections The universe puts certain people in our lives for a reason, right? I have sat around hoping CW would get me on his radar, and it never really comes together there, so I am fine with the friendship (as I have to be). But now there's the guy CA who I have hooked up with a couple times recently, we met up last night for his birthday with some friends at a bar. I had all intentions of going back to his place with him afterwards, and I did, which worked out beautifully. We hooked up, all was good, but he had drank so much, and I oddly didn't drink much at all, just like 5 beers, and I wasn't feeling anything. But you know how so much alcohol can make you so honest and open? Well he seemed to be so afflicted with something, he wouldn't tell me, he said he didn't want to talk about it. He alluded to some self-esteem issues and an apparent lack of confidence or satisfaction with himself, and I felt the urge to hold him and comfort him. He is similar to me in the sense of being always witty and sarcastic and quick-tongued, but he is sad and silent. We don't have much history nor interaction with one another; before this week, we had just a handful of text exchanges (happy 4th, how are you, blah blah) that I always initiate, and had last seen one another around late June. So we aren't tight buddies, we are friends by association with our mutual friends, and have only come together when everyone is around for a party/concert/what not. And then I follow him home, we play around, and that's it. He said in the beginning that he didn't want anything relationshippy from me, so boundaries were set, so I made sure not to be clingy or too much of anything. Yet this time, something was different with him, and we had more conversation, and I sense that he needed to be heard, something was on his mind, and he wasn't happy with something in life. But then he kept saying "never mind, I don't want to talk about it, I shouldn't have said anything..." And I'm sorry but as hard ass as I am, I am soft for others when needed. He also told me not to let him be an asshole to me, to not take it from him, because he apparently is an asshole. I told him that he hasn't been one to me, but he kept saying it, and wouldn't follow through with any explanation. So I promised not to let him get away with asshole behavior, and he said thank you. I feel *something* for the guy. Not sad, not pity. Something... I want to be there for him, I told him that he could talk to me if he needs to. He said that he needs therapy, that he has too many problems, that he needs a better job so he can get therapy. And then again afterwards he shut off and didn't want to talk about it. So there is something going on with him. He wants to say it, but he doesn't want to say it. This is odd to say, but I think he is worse than me; I shut off from emotions and affection, but I want it and can give it and accept it. I held him and gave him kisses and locked his fingers in my hand. I told him that I think that he is an amazing person and to not be so negative towards himself. And although I had slept in his bed twice before, he never gets close; he is so guarded. He will barely even kiss. So I held on to him and squeezed him, and he laughed at me and said it was too tight, so I squeezed more. As we were falling asleep, I stayed close to him, and he said that he wasn't used to sharing the bed with a girl, so he had a hard time getting comfortable, but I told him too bad, and I stayed there invading his space to give him affection. Yes, we have all been hurt, but I am under the impression that something in life did a good number on him. He mumbled something about his dad, and of course shut that off quickly, so I don't know what he was trying to say. Earlier at the bar he had mentioned something about an ex too, again, no details. His body is more emotionally shut off than mine is, and that is tough to top. It appears as if we will be more interactive with one another though, so I will do what I can to make him feel loved and appreciated and special. I mean, yea, we aren't together, nor intending to be together, but he is still a friend, and friends need the love too. If he does find himself genuinely liking me, I can work with that. I would like to see him and talk to him more often, and I said that the next concert is in two weeks and see you there? And he said yes, or sooner, that he's always around. I said that I am as well. Yes the sex is fun, but I hope it isn't all superficial hook ups. He is a good guy, and I want him to know it. Well that's just me. I want to save people and make them feel good and better. I am always on a quest for my own improvement. Who knows, maybe this will all be in vain and he was just being a drunken fool. But I have a gentle heart, and I was placed in his presence for a reason, whatever it may be. I had met him several years ago, and we never really had much to say to one another before. Whatever. I will just be a good friend to him, that's all. If he wants to open up, he will, and I will be there if it happens. Yay Sunday 2:37 p.m. - 2013-07-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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