silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Reflection Countdown is beginning. Trying to breathe and focus and center myself. I got hit with some new numbers for monthly this and that. Rather, I got smacked. Surprised I sat still in my seat. Came home and paced around and back and forth and up and down. Grabbed the wine, poured a glass. Grabbed a dry erase board and marker, sat down and jotted down some numbers; added those up. Grabbed my laptop and edited some proforma form to help me evaluate expenses and other exciting numbers. Set it aside. Breathe. Put on Tool to listen to. Sat on the living room floor with my boxes and wine, scissors and screwdriver, and got to work putting together the chairs and tables that I bought at Ikea on Sunday. Calmed down significantly. But that was around 7:00-8:00. Eventually I stopped anything work related and focused instead on NCIS, New Girl, and The Mindy Project. 10:00 I found myself with no reason to stay awake, I just wanted to sleep away my thoughts and wake up fresh and tend to work maybe around 6 or so. Fell asleep maybe by 10:20 or 10:30. Wake up. Just...woke up. "Oh..it's okay," I think. "I'm feeling fine, it must be about 2 or 3 a.m. now, mind of mine. Stay calm, you'll drop back down. Deep breaths, innnnnn, ouuuuutttt....innnnnnn, ouuuuutttt..." I breathe. I count a little. I am curious. I look at my phone. 12:07. WHAT? No. Fuck this breathing shit. It's too damn early still. You mean I have only slept barely over an hour?? I get up to grab a couple sleeping pills. I shake the bottle. Two pop in my hand. The bottle is now empty. Pleeeease remember to get some more pills at the store tomorrow..err...later today. Writing in here helps me fall asleep. The sounds of the clicks. The silence otherwise. The monotonous background of bedtime overall. Wishing halfway that I were a midnight type of runner. Exercise would help. I am not getting up though. Screw that. Office rent, loan, phone and Internet, IT support, office security, payroll expenses, insurances, payroll itself, website fees, power, water, supplies, restocking... Basic monthly operating costs for the office alone are estimated at about $bangmyheadonthewall. Next, let us review my personal, day to day, life "operating costs". I actually live fairly cheaply (save the obvious almost daily wine cost, but my bottles average under $10 and one bottle should take two days *if* I just have one or two glasses at the end of the day), but summing up ONLY the big dogs of rent, car, and student loans, I am automatically screwed out of about $3400 each month. Aka, $Bangmyheadsoftlyonthepillow. Target store brand sleeping pills are only like $3. Totally have room for that in my budget. Heck, I think I will splurge on the value pack tomorrow. Err...today. 12:23 a.m. - 2013-09-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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