silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Confidant I am doing the dirty dash tomorrow morning. Obstacle course 5K mud run. The weather here right now is cold and rainy. Cooold and raiiiny...and we will be running in rain and dirt and mud, going through lord knows what and climbing crap and under crap and hoisting our tattered bodies up things etc etc etc. I am excited. I might get sick from the cold and wet disaster that is imminent, but it will be fun. I recruited CW to go with me and the girls from the far office. It took a lot of incessant peer pressure, but eventually he signed up. He was concerned about attire and the weather, and we were both trying to find the right outfits to wear (lime green long sleeve too with black pants, per team captain), and I had checked out one store and didn't find anything so I gave up. He told me to check another, and said he would be going to it too when he was off of work. I rolled over to that store, around the corner from me, not realizing that he was coming to my location as well. I figured there was one closer to his place; he doesn't live near me. But nope, I was there in my bummy attire and he comes in shortly thereafter. This was at 7:30. So that was a pleasant surprise, so we helped each other find outfits (rather, I helped him), bought our pimp clothes which will soon be caked in mud, and then he recommended going to dinner. So he drove us to some Italian place, we ate there and chatted for a long time. He told me about the stupid girl he is pursuing who had left him in the middle of the concert, and I was the awesome friend that I am, supporting him and just chatting it up like I never envisioned our wedding day. Okay, that's a stretch. But I still hold the belief that we would have beautiful children. So we part ways around 10:15, and here I am, reflecting upon the fact that I am seriously just fooling myself. Well...not entirely. But I love spending time with him, and my emotions are completely in check. I don't even know if I have any lingering feelings towards him at all anymore, especially in hearing about his planning of dates and crap with this girl. She was nice, whatever. But I can't help but feel a twinge of jealousy. But I still kinda just don't care. And in a way, that is marvelous, yet in another way it is sad. Sad primarily because all I did was tell myself to stop caring, and... I did. Easily. After months of interest, or even over the 15 years of wishing I had communication with him and to be in his world, and for his engagement to be called off, and to finally sneak my way in, and to get close to him, and to finally get intimate with him, then to confess my interest, and to have it all shut down upon me in a single moment... and to tell myself it is fine, it is just fine... I am watching my faith in everything disappear. I am a friend. I am always a friend. I can honestly never have the person I want. I put my heart out there. Sometimes I don't even get physical or flirty and shit. Sometimes I am just a girl, wanting to like a guy. I am fooling myself with the feign belief that maybe, just maybe, he will Iike me one day. That he will see me as a beautiful woman and want to spend more time with me, just me, and not in these group situations of watching a show or going to a concert or hitting the bars or doing a run. But like I said, I don't feel anything. I can't. In a way, I want to. I don't feel "sad" or "rejected". Whatever feeling of "sad" that I am experiencing is due to the fact that I am not feeling anything. Does that make sense? I look at the situations of late, and I just... nothing. There is nothing. There should be more. But instead, there is this overpowering sense of emptiness. Loneliness. I am always so very much in the presence of others, I have so much company, such great friends and good times. But my soul, my being, my heart, my mind, my desire...it is all just so alone. I want to be chosen. Not necessarily by him. But I want to be chosen. I want somebody fabulous and wonderful to show up from wherever wonderful people come from, and see me, and interact with me, and choose me. Underneath all of this situationally developed cold exterior is a woman who has feelings, and an overwhelming desire to be chosen. By someone good. Disclaimer there. Not the bad people who want to use me. I want to be chosen so that I can care again. Blah. 10:32 p.m. - 2013-11-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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