silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- November's children I have this irrational belief that there is hope, in a place, in a relationship that will never be. I can't let it go. I am incapable of doing so. The way I see it is that I have to just sit around and wait. I don't want to wait. I want to let my heart be happy. Or my mind. Whatever it is that takes control. I need to remember the truth of my situation, of all my situations, of my existence, of my heart. I need to remember that some things just are not for me. I should give myself credit though, credit for trying. But then again, I always try. I have always let it out. I have offered my truth. It is just not worth it. I am so tired. Both of my feet hurt from the run. I have walked around with a hobble and a limp, all day. Took two rounds of ibuprofen 600mg's throughout the work day, just to walk semi comfortably; they barely put a dent in the discomfort. The discomfort is nothing unbearable, just uncomfortable. The pills were meh. I come home and have some wine. Feet? What feet? I'm walking just fine. Gotta love the block that alcohol provides sometimes. I use it mainly to block my thoughts. Not initially though; I usually just grab a glass of wine with dinner or so. It is actually sad. I get a thought, something comes to mind, and I don't like it, I want to not think about it. Whether it be work-related, something in my personal life, or something emotional. It is my temporary escape. No, no, i do not go overboard. But I certainly am much happier in my other zone. I enjoy being taken away from my pointless woes. Yes, I address the necessary, if it is something work-related or professional. But man, those interpersonal issues and situations I find myself in lately, the emotional crap, the strain and the hope for a change that will likely never come, the waiting and wishing for true affection...that's the stuff that hits me and saddens me. And the liquid means of escape makes everything much better. November is ending. Wow. This just hit me, but this exact time last year I was in Hawaii with DW, thinking we had a semi-decent relationship, but knowing it was severely flawed, but I held on. Because I wanted to be loved. And he said that he loved me. Am I sad? Nope. Do I miss him? I do not miss him nor think about him in any wistful way, ever. Gone and done. The only thing I am remotely sad about is the fact that I still just want to be loved. So many things have happened this year. I will have a lot to reflect upon come new year. As if reflecting matters by any means. If there were a magical solution to it all, or instructions, directions to follow to a tee, I would like to try it. The emptiness just hurts. My feet are fine. I would limp across the room any day. Just... someone... stop this emptiness. I don't want it anymore. I never did. I accepted it, I took it as my fate, a consequence of all the stupid things I have done and have yet to remedy. Make it stop. I can pause it. At least I can squash it for a while with another glass. It will ease me into slumber. 10:19 p.m. - 2013-11-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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