silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Thinking. Juuust thinking Sometimes I wonder just what in the world I am doing. Work, guess I have that figured out. I can't be too confused about that anymore. It is a work in progress. Also, still amazed/shocked that I managed to pull off a startup office. I could not have envisioned it being this way three years ago when I graduated. What did I envision three years ago? Who knows. What am I doing? I need some time to recenter. And organize, and clear things up, mentally mostly, but physically as well. My apartment is a mess, yet again. I get so far and it gets straight, but after every weekend it becomes a disaster again. Possibly due to the 4 a.m. stumbling in and the strewing of my attire all over the place before flailing myself into bed. That kinda makes for disorganization and disarray. I need to exercise. I need to organize some things at the office. I am eagerly looking forward to having next week off for holiday break. I need to get things reset in the office. I started this entry thinking more along the lines of what am I doing in regards to these guys. CW, meh. Complete friendship now, I believe feelings on my end are done, but man. This weekend was another attestment to our spending way too much time together. The whole weekend, basically. I think I have settled myself into a comfortable role with his friends now; so comfortable that they are texting me, inviting me out to things with the group before they even get to him, or getting my opinion or approval on event details before they put it on blast to the whole group. His friends seem excited and happy to see me. I guess it's good to have a neutral female presence around. I flirt with them and am bluntly sexual and direct when we are drinking, but they know how I am now, so they just laugh it off. And I will play wing woman for them when we are out at the bars. Fun crew. CW now leans to me a lot for anything going on in his daily life. I get personal status updates about work, interviews, his master's degree projects, frustration, his knee hurting, what purchases he makes, whatever. We all need someone to ramble our random thoughts to (hello, dland), and I think it has been healthier for him and that it helps him think things through. He didn't seem to talk to anyone much before, about the pertinent things. Superficial things like hooking up and getting drunk, he has the guys for that. Anyways, I offered up my legit friendship, and he has totally taken it, and it works...maybe a little too well, but still. JA, whatever. Came by last week. He might be at this party I'm going to on Saturday. Oh, yes. Regarding the party, JM told me to invite CW. I told him that I spend too much time with him already, and it isn't anything relationshippy with him, so I'd rather not invite him because I would like to potentially chat it up with CA this weekend, undisturbed by CW. We barely talk (we barely did before as it is), but I would like to open it back up to hanging around him again. As much as I don't like the emptiness of being with him, it might be better than the emptiness of being completely alone. I miss the mere presence of being beside someone at night. CA won't comfort me. He won't hold me. I told him that he should get a coffee pot so I could have coffee in the morning, and he told me to get coffee at McDonald's. Loving guy. But if he is down to hang still... I really need to figure out what I want one of these days. Too busy tending to what I need to do. The business, staying afloat and on top of the bills. The love life and romance come secondary, if at all. Lame. I suppose I should get ready for work now. 6:12 a.m. - 2013-12-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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