silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The game I really don't know what I am doing. I need to empty my mind of him. He is nothing to me and will never be anything to me. And I am nothing to him, and never will be anything to him. So I need to just take that emotional hiatus that I am so damn good at and apply it to him. The weird thing is, I really do want somebody to care about. But this is the guy I keep getting. I keep getting people I cannot have feelings for. It is so much easier for me this way, and it is a terrible way to be. This is what makes me cold, this is what makes me indifferent, this is what makes me...me. I really want to care, though. I want to love someone. I want someone who wants to love me. I need to stop attracting these lies. I don't get it. How? How is it possible to be this way? Him, not me. How can you love anybody when you are like this? Somebody said to me, I don't know how you could ever have a healthy relationship with any guy after all of this. After the interactions that I have, the experiences that I encounter. One of these days, one of these guys is going to break me. Or maybe there is just a layer of scar tissue forming over my supposed heart. I am so tough, ordinarily I am so strong. But I think this one will break me. I just don't get it. I can't fathom how a person does this. So emotionally duplicitous. Yet I allow it. I need to say no. I NEED to say no. And I need to say yes to me. With this relationship, I am the only person who will get hurt in this. And I will. Anyways. Wine and exercise. Clear that silly mind of mine. I'll find a light little movie to put on and laugh to my heart's content. I don't want to write about this anymore. Only positive things to come. Oh hey, actually we got a lot of phone calls today for new patients! I was stoked about that. It's like Tuesday the phone was silent, and today it rang a lot! Super happy. Hoping it just goes up from here. Thanks to great marketing? The irony. 8:22 p.m. - 2014-06-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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