silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I'm back So "they" say the quickest way to get over one guy is to get under another. I forget where I first heard that, but it has always stuck with me, and I tell that to my girlfriends when need be. Well, my whole lameness and patheticness about MG of late is starting to calm down. I appreciate this whole week that he has been out of town. It has given me a chance to go through a good range of crappy emotions, be it interest, self-doubt, self-anger, disgust, indifference, more interest, less interest, irritation, pride, sorrow...the list can go on and on. But I had a moment on Thursday I believe, in which I just became so sad, just so sad, about my situation with him. Sad and confused, just wondering why he is doing this with me. What is the angle? Is he going to hurt me? Is he genuinely interested in me? Is this just for fun for him? Does he want more from me? Will he want more? And of course, how did I allow this to happen? I put a lot of blame onto myself, I say it is my fault, it's my curse, this is who I attract, so I can't help myself. But I can't blame just me. He is an equal contributor to this, he is equally responsible. So I just need to stop and let it be. Let the cards fall where they may. I spoke to M about it, as he knows best how I am and first hand about the situation I am in, since I went through it to an extent with him. He gave me some insight to his thought process of when we were together, and how he felt towards me, but the reality of the situation. It helped me only slightly, because he is biased towards me, and also, my interest in him was very fleeting after a while. We had fun, but I did not have any interest in having anything long term with him. We were just great, close friends, who happened to hook up after a while, and got entangled in a situation that should not have been, but worked out just fine. The difference here is that if I don't watch myself, I can fall for this guy, and I don't know if that is what he wants or not. With M, I knew everything; we had full disclosure with one another, physically, mentally, emotionally. It was in part due to the friendship we already had established. This one, we don't have a baseline, hence I am always confused. Anyways. Back to my first line. It always helps to get attention from someone else. That really does whip me back into shape and reality. So hooking up with CW last weekend didn't really do much for me; I still broke down emotionally. Probably because CW does nothing for me anymore. Well, I went out with the RO crew on Friday night, and of course both JA and CA showed up. I realize that when either one of them are there, I have minimal opportunity to flirt with or talk to any other guy not associated with the group. When both of them are there, that drops to zero. JA is bad and very flirty with me. He has a watchful eye, and tries to corner me and get me to take him home. He asks me all of the time what I am doing afterwards, and tells me I need to bring him with me. I just laugh and smile and flirt and tease. But I am not interested in him. He needs to get past it and focus on his girl, not me. I always ask him where she is, and that he should be seeing what she is up to. He doesn't seem to like when I do that, but oh well! Aside from him is CA, who also does not let me out of sight. For someone who doesn't have any interest in me, he certainly doesn't let anyone else talk to me. He makes a beeline for me, and his eyes burn holes through my skin. He saves a spot for me next to him all of the time, and I can't be on the outside of seating. I am always inside, essentially trapped and needing him to move if I want to relocate. He gets drinks for me and only me, and makes sure I stay put basically and wait for him until he comes back. Again, for someone who doesn't want me, he will not let anyone else near me. So the few times when JA cornered me, CA was right there waiting for me to come back to him. Which is fine by me, because I actually have real conversations with CA, whereas with JA I am on the receiving end of him telling me how much he wants me and that's it. So lately, CA has been coming around, out to wherever our little crew is. He keeps me close, and then he leaves. Since he flipped out on me after we hooked up in march, I stopped texting him unnecessarily. The only times I would text him would be basically on Sundays, after watching GoT, and expressing my thoughts of the episode if it was a crazy one. After I spoke with JM about him, when he went crazy on me again, I had decided against communicating with him, and not saying anything about hooking up again, since he wanted to cut things off since he thought I wanted more. He did not know that I knew that, so I've been nothing but sugary sweet, awesome, flirtatious, well-dressed (to accent curves etc), fun, light, and sometimes just completely avoided him. He does not take it well when I avoid him and flirt with other guys; he gets notably irritated with me, but I'm not his, so I do not care. I took it as a challenge when I heard he wanted to cut me off. I thought, "Oh really? Good luck!" And I was right. He always comes to me, he barely even talks to the other girls in the group. They don't know much about him, they just know (as I was told by the girls today) that he specifically wants me beside him... Yet he doesn't want me. So yes, I have been my nice, kind, playful, normal self when he is around, I just won't text him after he leaves our group early, because that made him think I wanted to date him. Which I am open to do, if he wanted to, but he doesn't, so I don't care. Well, this time I screwed up, and we were chatting quite a bit, and then he decided he wanted to leave. So he gives his goodbye handshakes and hugs, and always, ALWAYS pauses when he comes to hug me, and I am always last, always. So predictable, it's very fun to witness. So he left, and I broke my self-promise, and I texted something random about what we were discussing and said have a good night or so. He responded "will do"... and asked if I felt like coming over. That was the end of the game. Three months of this, and I could've held out from texting him longer. I didn't expect the invite, I was just saying a secondary goodbye to him. So I went to his place, and it was the usual comfortable familiarities. We work pretty well together. He is still a complete jerk, but I can tolerate him. I was hanging out with the girls at a BBQ today, and they said that for one, they barely know him because he won't talk to any girl but me, and two, what they do know of him is that he always seems angry and mean and rude. I assured them that he is always an asshole and to never take it personally. And if he acts rude or short when he talks, he isn't being mean, he is just a jerk, and to just leave him be or send him to me. So we parted on a good note. I left around 11 when he had to go to work. Depending on the day, I sometimes would just leave when I had to or if I woke up and I was bored, but this time I had a bad headache/hangover, so I didn't want to get up until I was forced to. His alarm went off and I asked him for ibuprofen. I didn't expect him to wait for me to pull myself together, but he stood there as I grabbed my stuff and put on my shoes, and opened his arms for a hug goodbye. I don't know why he resists me. I don't know who else could tolerate him and his mood swings. I don't know why I do. There is nothing endearing about him. He isn't the hottest thing out there, he has no charm, he is not suave. And he admittedly tells everyone when we hook up. He mentioned that he would be telling his roommate later. I don't know why, but great job with discretion. Okay, this is too long. Sorry. Blah blah, in summary, I'm not whining about emotional conflict regarding MG right now. With him being away this week, it threw me off balance and I am not used to getting emotionally caught off guard or feeling the way he is making me feel. I like him, and I don't want to, or don't know if I'm supposed to/allowed to. But I thank CA for giving me proper attention. JA I suppose as well, but I don't want any attention from him. I'll take it though. June has been an interesting month. 2:44 a.m. - 2014-06-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||