silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Viaje I should look into drinking less. Nothing good really comes of it. Headaches. Throwing up. Stupid decisions. Stupid decisions with men. I was out with RO and CA last night. I haven't come to terms with or to any consensus about what my feelings are towards CA. I need to not consider him. How did I stop thinking about other guys in the past? Well it would help if I did not see him as often as I do. Although it isn't much. Maybe a couple times a month. But still. I want to see him more. I would like to spend time with him. But I know he is not of the same mindset. Or so I think. I know nothing. He set up a cabana for our group this upcoming Sunday. He asked me if I was going to be there. I said no. We were quiet. He asked me why not? I said that I had a wedding out of town. Can I take his inquiry as his interest in having me be there? I pathetically believe we could be good together, even if he isn't the nicest person. I just need to get past it, and soon. I have been relatively clear of mind regarding MG. I haven't seen him in maybe a month. I slip here and there, but I have avoided talking to him. Well, he texted me today, asking what my day looks like tomorrow. Fortunately I have my flight in the morning. We exchanged a few messages. I did not give him any particulars. Just said I was headed out of town in the morning. Didn't say where or why. Not that it is a secret, and not that I am upset at him. I just don't want to like him anymore either. It is not going to go anywhere with him, ever, so why do I care to be involved with him? Possibly that whole desire for accompaniment thing. Suppose that makes sense. My FD wants me to say no to him. My common sense wants me to say no to him. My heart wants me to say no to him. My mind and my body and my indifference allow me to say yes. My selfishness says yes. I allowed everything to happen, from day one. I am just a terrible person. I do need to finish packing. I started days ago, with intention to not wait until the last minute. That was pointless. 10:43 p.m. - 2014-08-21 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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