silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Whatever will be I wish I had it in me to care more, about my actions. About the situation. I was told, "I don't understand why you don't feel what you're doing is wrong. Because it is." But is it me doing something wrong, or is it him? Or am I inherently wrong for being an enabler? Don't answer those questions for me, I already know. I don't want to hear it. I'm just...letting it out. Last time, I was afraid. Being with him felt really good. He acknowledged to me that last time was different for him, too. He asked, "could we cross a line that shouldn't be crossed?" I did not entirely understand his question, nor did he elucidate it. I couldn't tell if he was trying to cut it off or push through. He says he is afraid of hurting me. I lied and told him that I am tough and I can handle it. He saw through that. Do you know what really scares me? That I can't stop being this person. I feel fine in this type of situation. It saddens me that I don't feel the need to stop. It worries me that I do not really essentially "care". I won't allow myself to start a genuine relationship with anyone right now because I have the stupid, unfounded belief that I am... involved here...or something. I don't understand myself. I know we can't have anything, and that this isn't good or healthy. I know that I want something more, from someone. I have growing interest in this other guy, JH. I have mentioned him before. He's a great guy, very attractive physically. Hard worker, recently divorced, two teenage daughters who he treats like princesses. Unfortunately, his ex just moved them across the country about two or three months ago, and he is devastated about it. He flies out to visit them every few weeks, but it's really tough on him. He says that they are his world. Every now and then, he has fb posts about how much he misses them. It's sad. Bitch move on the mom. They were together over 15 years. Anyways, I feel a mutual attraction with him. I like how we interact when we are together. I would love to follow it through. I just hate that I know myself and I know I could be terrible for him. I'm too flirtatious. I still like to sleep with whoever I want to. I believe I do want to have a relationship. I've never cheated on anyone, I cannot be unfaithful. Contrary to how I may appear, if I had a relationship and felt the desire to stray, I would have to cut someone off. I can't emotionally multitask like that. That being said, I would be interested in starting something up with JH, but I know that I do not want to stop with MG. And that would not be fair to JH. So instead? I remain silent. I do want to make a move though, and I likely will. He seems pretty shy when it comes to being forward. Oh well. Hoping to see him this weekend at a pool party/BBQ. I can make a move then. The swimsuit should help. Hah.. I'm terrible. In the meantime... 9:08 a.m. - 2014-09-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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