silver4's Diaryland Diary

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False alarm

I keep attempting to write, but the words all seem so pointless.

I do not know the proper words to express how I feel. Aside from this cold/flu, which seems to finally be dwindling off, my other feelings. The repressed ones. The ones that I pretend I do not have. You know, when something inside of you ... Or your mind just takes these tangents... I don't know. I think I could easily sleep through this weekend, too. I do want to go see gone girl. I have had it noted down to catch the matinee today. The theater is just around the corner.

Maybe I will. I have been up since seven. Cleaning up, doing laundry. I went to bed early last night. Sick, boredom. Watched vanilla sky. Missed a party. Will miss a party and a show tonight. Hopefully I will be 100% by Monday. JH has checked on me a couple times. Says that it won't be the same without me. That he will miss me, and there is no substitute for me. I think I am finally reeling him in. Which is good and bad. The good is the obvious. The bad is also the obvious. I am terrible for people. I'm a nice lady and all, I am a great friend. But I cannot attempt a proper relationship to save my life. I flirt and tease too much. But I don't care about that right now.

It's those damn feelings. I don't know what to do with them. Put them in a box, throw away the key? What if, one day, I am wrong, and somebody does give a shit?

I want to crawl into a ball and cry. I want warm towels thrown over me, like my mom would do when I was little. That always felt good. Yea. That's it: I just want to feel "good".

Instead, I'm going to get up. Take a shower. Get dressed, grab a coffee? Go to the theater and watch that movie. Come back home, and... Figure it out. It's fine. I am just ready for this cold/flu/whatever to be over with. But I might just sleep the weekend away again. Because I can.

I am reinterpreting/reanalyzing the origins of...this. I tire of who I am to some people. It is like I am a concept. An escape? An excuse? I tire of that. I want to be the reason.

I'm gonna go ahead and blow my nose now. And take that shower. Took the last of the antibiotics this morning. Feeling like they were indeed pointless. Anyways. Just venting or whatever. Happy Saturday

10:42 a.m. - 2014-10-04

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