silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The hook I was told by a friend a while back, that you know whether or not you love someone who you are (exclusively) dating by about three months in. I don't know about that. In my head, it sounds rather quick to be in "love". But what do I know. It could be easy when you are in a true relationship with one another. You spend all that time together, and you should become comfortable and honest with yourself, one another, and your feelings. I lightly, playfully inquired about the ending. We say that this is a book, a story. He says that the readers are having a treat. I say that they don't know what kind of story they are reading, what genre, you know? He says maybe it is a mystery. I laugh. I ask him not to kill me in the end, that they wouldn't like that. I then say crap, was that the ending, did I spoil it? He tells me his version of the end. The two of us as best friends, who know each other better than anyone else. Who have a strong mutual love and look out for each other for all time. He says that he doesn't know how I feel about that, but that he has a crazy love for me that will make that come to fruition, no matter what. It takes me a while to process that. It was a really long text, and I was on my way to a concert, so I was checking his messages at red lights. In my mind, I say fuck! All I think of to say, when I can, is basically like damn, I adore you, that could work. No. He says, you do not adore me, you secretly love me. And I know this to be true, he says, because I feel the same way towards you. Three months have come and gone. There is no exclusivity. I don't see him often, I don't get to talk to him whenever I want to. I distract myself with others. I hold back from experiencing whatever else is out there for me to experience and feel with other guys for some reason. I haven't entirely put my finger on it, but it isn't fear. Or it might be. I'm afraid of falling for someone (JH, for example, whom I spent a lot of time with at the concert last night and afterwards we went to eat and bonded more!) and being torn. I'm afraid of losing someone who I don't have. I don't want to open myself to a new guy and risk him actually really caring for me, and then I have to decide. It has been easy dealing with just MG and CA, or even JA. The last two, zero emotions towards one another, so I was and still am free to do whatever I want, and when the time comes that I meet anybody else and want to randomly hook up, I can and will with no reservations. MG being part of the mix doesn't change that, because... it can't. I don't know what I'm saying anymore. Like even with the online dating, I put up my pof profile again, but I just...don't want to deal with anybody. I guess I'll hide it again? How many times have I done that? We are supposed to talk business in person sometime this week anyways. We can discuss that and other things then I suppose. I sound like such an idiot when I tell my friends some of this stuff. I know what they are thinking, because I think the exact same thing. Yet I keep it up. Something in me just will not let me stop. Something is in there, holding on, beyond my better judgment. I'm never going to be pregnant, am I? I know that sounds completely off base, but it applies. I don't want to think anymore. The concert was awesome last night though. I was so tired in the end. I couldn't rally with the boys like usual for some reason. I even had coffee at dinner before I went out to meet up with them. JH is still so damn hot, and he has a heart of gold, he is adorable, and he is available. We talked so much, and time flies when we are doing so. We were both super tired and ready to leave, and then he wanted to go find food, so I went with him. We dragged ourselves to eat, so sleepy, but we did. He pays for me a lot, it's like we keep doing mini dates now. I want to do more. I want to hang out with him again. Maybe go see a movie together. I'm afraid of what that could do though. I would hate to hurt him. I guess I should tell him what my intentions are, once I figure them out myself. Yeaaa i don't...ugh. Think I'll just clean up my place. Sounds about right. Distractions and pushing things down inside always helps! Oh and I saw the equalizer last night with my dad, that was a good movie. But I saw gone girl the weekend before, and that one was amazing, so I recommend it, I guess either of those, if you guys are out to catch a movie this weekend/week. I love matinees. Happy Sunday! 7:22 a.m. - 2014-10-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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