silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hey pig I have henceforth decided to just give the fuck up. Nothing matters anymore. I do not care. I cannot care. I don't want anything, I don't want to deal with anyone. I am over it. I am over wasting emotions and feeling anything. I need to go back to the way I was before, before anything, before everything. The problem lies in damn emotions. Fuck emotions. They never do anything good for me. I know I sound negative and pessimistic. It is because I am feeling negative and quite pessimistic. I don't want to deal with anybody. At least not in a way that could get my feelings involved. This situation is a joke. What's the point of feeling anything? What is the damn point of starting anything? I know I say I am tough. I know I have this exterior, this presence, this appearance, this shell, this wall, this cover, this whatever the fuck this is. I have it, and it seems like everything is fine and I can just go along with the fuckin flow. I don't want to feel anything anymore. I can recondition myself, retrain myself. I have done this before. Shut everything down and squash down everything that is or used to be my heart. Never feel. It used to be my mantra. I would stare at the words every day, for years, written on my mirror. Never feel. And then, one day, I wanted to feel. I grabbed the windex and I wiped it off. I wanted to get it back, somehow. Why would I do this to myself? Why would I subject myself to another round of this bullshit? Why do I give a shit about anything, why would I want to? I'm kind of depressed right now, and I'm about to get ditched by a girl friend for a guy. We had planned on just having a night in drinking wine and chatting. But you know, I'm not in the social mood. I had an awesome weekend and a sense of a promising start with someone new, only to get mentally fucked with by the one person I actually do want... He doesn't do it on purpose, I know. But fine. I don't care. I'm not going to waste any more space in my heart or mind for him. He's just. A fuckin. Guy. A guy who I am stuck with, at least professionally. I am feeling weak. I need an empty fuck. I wish I could rely on CA for that, but no, he acts like a jerk if I make any attempt to hang out with him outside of the norm. Sorry for being a depressive individual. Just losing my shit. I'll be fine tomorrow, just have to get it out. 5:40 p.m. - 2014-10-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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