silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Meltdown I had a little meltdown yesterday morning. I woke up fine, watched this show on YouTube that I am newly obsessed with and just learned about from Instagram, "the most popular girls in school", and slacked for a couple hours, but then I got up and it was just so quiet. And my mind began racing, I thought about the previous night, about drinking, about life, about work. I had to call a patient to see her at the office at some point in the day for emergency (she had emailed/called the office Friday morning but I was working at the other one)...but the biggest thing was the silence. I started freaking out about being alone, not that it scares me by any means, but just that I am always alone at home. Yes I go out with my friends and have a lovely time, but when I wake up the next morning, I am completely alone. I think I am beginning to really want that to change. I miss having somebody. So I freaked out, whatever, it happens. I put on some music, I did the dishes, I cooked breakfast and made coffee, but I couldn't shake it. I feel like crying, and I tell myself to shut this nonsense down, and that doesn't help. Then I pour a glass of wine (not even 10:30 am..whatever), and I look at myself in the mirror and I tell myself to pull it together. I planned on seeing the patient around noon, I had also called my mom earlier to see if she wanted to do lunch. She hadn't answered, and just me being weak, I started tearing up, and then she called me back. I couldn't hold it back and I started crying on the phone, and I told her I was fine I was just having a moment, but I was good for lunch. I said I was going to go to work for about half an hour and then I would call her back. I miss even having my mom listen to me sometimes...but that's another story. I go to work, I act all happy go lucky with the patient, I post some checks, listen to music, take my dry cleaning, wave at the neighbors. All is just good and wonderful. I drive to mom's and tell her about my lame sorrows, because she was concerned for me after I lost it. You see, I usually have things under control. I am a ray of sunshine and work is just fiiiine and the other office sucks but I get paid, I pay my bills, i pay my team, and I try not to complain about it. But man...I crack sometimes, because I do not have it all under control, in spite of what I think. It's fine, but that silence just throws me at times. But everything is fine. I got stuff off of my chest, my mom listened to me, I met up with AV and accompanied her with her errands. She got mad at me for not calling her when I was breaking down. I just couldn't; I was unable to form words, I was choked up on my tears and needed to just let it go for a moment. Later, I went with my friends to a concert (seether and papa roach), and I was a social butterfly as always, and life was the same as always. Two dudes from the group were trying to get at me, which was annoying, because I'm trying to watch a fuckin concert, not flirt. Not to mention one of the girls in the group trying to rub up on me while dancing to I guess be extra sexy for the guys, but I don't do that stuff. I'm sorry, I don't get all rubbed up on women to be flirtatious or a tease for guys to get all crazy over. Nope, I paid $50 for this ticket dammit let me watch the damn concert. I'm standing there nodding my head to the music, not trying to flirt with anyone. This is why I'm single, huh? I'm supposed to go to concerts and flirt with the guys in the group who I have seen before and will see again, maybe kiss them or take them home, and then go giggle about it the next day to the girls. Well, no. I plan on not making ripples in the waves of my friendships. I try not to start drama. I will not do anything with anyone in the group that would possibly in any way get back to CA. I guess I respect him. I also respect myself of course. If it were a stranger I just met at the show and we were flirting, cool. But um...I will likely see these guys again at other concerts. Don't they want to keep things on a decent level? I can flirt sometimes, I'm all for it, but I won't do anything that I know will get back to CA. Hm okay I took a tangent there. Bringing it back around, I am fine. I guess just a tough season for me. I need summer back, any day now... Bedtime. Good night, dland. 10:32 p.m. - 2015-02-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||