silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Break I made the mistake of contacting MG. I had a sex dream about him last night, and this morning I texted him to tell him so and just to say hi. I don't think I want him anymore, but man, I'm so weak towards the thought of him. Not like super emotionally weak, but it makes me sad to think about us and the friendship that we had and lost in the blink of an eye. Anyways, he came by the office today when I was busy, and apparently he is getting us lunch next week, just being nice but from the specialist we refer to. When we were "together", I got a lot of attention and special treatment from him/the office. Now, it is down to a basic interval I suppose. The good thing is that I no longer look at him and think about how much I care for him. That is gone. Longing after him has passed. But he still has a piece of my heart and in a way there wasn't any closure. I guess I don't need any, or deserve any. I am simply going to continue being this person that I am, and something will come of it. I am thinking about hiring a part time hygienist. JA tried to get with me all last weekend. Seriously, all weekend. Friday, Saturday, Sunday. It was bad timing of the month...he almost came over on Sunday. I was going to let him. But he had some lunch date so he cancelled on me, which was fine. I am losing interest in morality again. I just don't care as much as I should. I think something is wrong with me. I still think about talking to a therapist every now and then. I'm so damn heartless sometimes. But then again, it isn't all my problem; it is theirs as well. I think that is what I need to let settle and register: it isn't just my problem. The sooner I recognize that, the better. Ok. I will accept it. I am trying to work out more again. I miss my decent body. I am getting chunky and i do not like it. I will look nice again. I need to just start over somehow. Reset. No more any of these guys. Start completely over. Except... I feel like H understands me. I don't want him, but I felt comfortable with him. I need to just go fly up to San Francisco and take a little weekend there and be at peace and visit with him. This is a good week so far for my office. Busy and treatments getting scheduled. It took over a year for us to get to this point. We have a good flow of new patients, too. I am ready for the next set of changes for the office. The next step is to possibly open up one more day and say goodbye to the other office. Also to open up a day or two for a hygienist, so we can book more patients. This can work out. I'm going to stop thinking for now. Good night. 9:30 p.m. - 2015-03-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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