silver4's Diaryland Diary

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Ryan

I complained about a month ago about a stupid court case that I almost had to go in for. Someone named me as a witness to testify against this guy who supposedly did some wrongdoing against this girl. The guy, I was cool with. The girl, newcomer to the group, seemed to cause a lot of drama wherever she placed her foot. Dating one of my friends from forever ago. I didn't want to be named as a witness, because I had nothing to say on the girl's side. I personally was closer with the guy, sided with him. I've expressed my irritation against the girl, and the fact that I think the guy was being a normal drunk guy at a party, who assumed that a the girl was available and down.

Doesn't matter anymore.

He killed himself, two days ago. On his birthday.

I had messaged him online, as standard. Happy birthday. I knew it was that date. I remembered, I didn't need fb to tell me. Happy birthday, hope you have a great day.

I got a text in the morning on my drive to work. I...I couldn't take it. I started crying. My eyes blurred as I drove. I freaked out and pulled over, called my sister, crying in frustration like a damn baby. Sad. Pissed. Angry. At him. At her. At myself. It doesn't matter. Nothing I could do. So mad. Still so mad. Still crying sporadically.

I know it gets bad. I know it sucks. It really sucks sometimes. I used to be sad, borderline depressed. I still am, sometimes. Alone, helpless. It's not worth it. I get it. It sucks, life is hard. But so many more people love you than you think. So many more people are on your side and rooting for you. The world is tough and shitty, but the world is beautiful. It feels dark, it looks dark, everything might be dark. But wait, a while longer. All this stupid bullshit, fuck it all. The struggle, the pain, the damn idiots who make it all tough for you, fuck them. There are more people out there who love you than who are dumb ass douches trying to pull you down. I get it. It's a choice. But it's a shitty choice. And you were an intelligent, beautiful, attractive, witty, funny, kind, giving person. And you were loved. And it is bullshit, and I will keep saying that it is bullshit, and I don't agree with your fuckin decision, but it is too late for me to have a fuckin opinion now, isn't it? Too many things went wrong. Too many ways that the scenario could have been different. If only I did this. If only I danced with him so he didn't dance with that girl. If only I gave him more attention that night and distracted him away from her. Yes, she wasn't the only reason, but her presence I'm sure caused a chain reaction that just fucked everything over. He was a beautiful person, in many ways. I hate that fuckin option. Suicide isn't a fuckin option. I am angry and sad, and I keep crying. But it was ultimately his choice. His decision.

I'm so sorry. You were loved. You are loved. You are not overlooked. I'm so sorry that it was all so bad that this was your choice. God, you were such a great person. The wrong person left us. But I did not know your pain, I could not understand your pain. I could never tell you what to do with your life. But you are loved and i want you to know that. But it's too late, and my words are floating nowhere now. And I can say it aloud, but you can't hear me. I don't know who I am talking to. I don't know who I am crying to. It is all so fuckin silent. You are in many prayers tonight. I hope ... I can't say that I hope it is better for you now. Because it can't be. I can't lie and say you are in a better place, because I don't know that. All I know is, you are gone, and that. fuckin. Sucks. That's it. It sucks. And a lot of people are crying today and they are pissed off by your decision. I don't know if you are floating next to me, watching me write this, laughing, rolling your eyes. I don't know.

Death is always stupid. Be it age, health, murder, accident, or self-inflicted. It always fuckin sucks. Too many questions. Why. Why. But who am I to question you? We each make our decisions. That will not be my decision. I don't judge you. I am sad. I don't agree with you. I respect you. But..there's always a but. And there's always a wish for one more encounter, one more goodbye, one more hug.

A beautiful person. A handsome person. Pointless for me to say anything anymore. The decision was made and he is gone. I'm so sorry it went that way, and I know you aren't the one reading this, but i love you and goodbye.

2:32 a.m. - 2015-03-22

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