silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Because it is the only thing that makes sense At a lecture tonight, where MG is of course. After our standard witty banter, he texts me: Me: 😒 .. My reply: "hahaha". Don't take me down that road. Don't attempt to win my affection again. All you do is break me into pieces. I believe that I deserve better than that. Maybe? The truth is the sad thing. The sad thing is, I think I still care. The truth is also that I may have had too many glasses of wine, so I am slightly emotional towards him. But I did not let it show. I was strong. I was confident. When the course ended, he was nowhere in sight. I walked away and did not look for him again. He texted me that I left without saying goodbye. I said that I can't say goodbye to someone who isn't there. I also told him that I no longer want to participate in one of his marketing efforts. It did nothing for my company, so it had to go. I'm proud of myself for telling him so. It is semi lame that I did not say so earlier, but I didn't want to fuck things up. But as long as he has that going, he has an inkling of control over a part of my presence, and at this point, I would like for him to be completely disconnected. I hate to believe it, but he only hurts me. I had a moment of affection towards him tonight, but I let it pass. As much as it hurts me, I have to let him fade away. I have to watch it happen, or I will remain weak and pathetic. And there is no room in his perfect little life for me. And whatever good is happening in my world, he cannot be privy to it anymore. It hurts me to accept the absence of somebody who was so relevant only a few short months back, but that is reality. So related but unrelated, I just teared up. Because I am thinking about when everything went wrong between us, it was a miscommunication on Halloween, when things just went to shit and our friendship/relationship changed. That same night is when things got fucked up for the guy who just killed himself a couple weeks ago, and I am flashing back to my interactions with both of the guys. MG was just text, and it was drunken texts with slips of the fingers and shitty autocorrect on snap chat, so I didn't even realize there was an issue because it had disappeared. The other guy, I remember we both pulled up to the party at the same time, the first two guests. We hugged. We laughed at each others' costumes. He was making drinks, he made me a vodka cran. I told him that vodka is my enemy, and I go either one of two ways: hyper sexual or in "fuck you!" mode. He poured strongly. We sat outside and chatted as other guests arrived, and eventually we got up and mingled. I don't get emotional over this, so I don't understand why I am kinda crying. But I can't help but think, what if? Could I have said something, after the unfortunate series of events that occurred later that night, something that could have kept him alive today? Everything happens for a reason. So even if I said something to change something, the outcome may have been the same. You know? Like you change one simple factor, but the guy still dies. You know? Like if I just danced with him that night, and distracted him away from that stupid girl... but no one knows. It could be like fate or destiny... If it weren't self-inflicted, it could have been something else as the trigger. I need to stop thinking, so I can stop crying, so I can start sleeping I could have even ignored my phone and remained entangled in a bullshit relationship with MG, thinking that I loved him or something. So it all just happens. For reasons unknown to us simple folk. Closing doors and opening windows. I think I will watch Closer. For the millionth time. 9:46 p.m. - 2015-03-31 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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