silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A long look back When I was a young child, I never dreamed and fantasized about being married and having children. I don't believe that I saw that as an option growing up. I just had to go to school, do my homework. I liked to write, I wanted to be a writer. I never thought about college. I never thought about the path it would take to become a writer; I would just write. Elementary school, middle school, high school. I went to my classes, I did my work. I hung out with my friends, played with them and my sisters. I never thought about having a boyfriend or a relationship, until it kind of happened in high school. My first boyfriend, I didn't know he even liked me before we dated. I didn't give him much thought. He was one of my friends. My little sister and her friend apparently thought he was hot and they were excited when he called the house, only to find out that he was interested in me. Oh...ok. I accepted it, I went along with it. I'll go ahead and date this guy, that's what he wants, I guess he likes me. I don't think I ever really gave it a true shot. We did stuff, we were cool. I don't remember it all. We went to different high schools, so I didn't keep tabs on his activity. I don't think I cared that much. Then I find out one day that he's been hanging around some other girl. Ok. I get upset, I'm supposed to..but I don't care. We break up, and I don't care. I might have cried, it was my first real boyfriend. But I was known for faking my tears all the time, on demand. People would ask me to cry, it was a game. Emotions became a game. Other people cared about me in high school. I had crushes that never fell through. I had one guy profess his love for me (I still have the note; and he is married with kids. We are friends online but never talk), and I couldn't accept him past friendship because...I didn't like him like that. We used to hang out a lot, I would go to his house and his mom loved to cook for me. I never saw it. In retrospect, I am such a misleading bitch. But I never saw it. I never saw myself as one of the pretty girls. I was never the one the guys wanted. They all wanted my sisters or my friends. That's cool. I didn't care anyways. I cared, but I didn't. I did not have big dreams of going to college. One of my best friends was planning her future, so I also collected the college pamphlets and looked through them. I didn't have anywhere special I wanted to go. She said we should go to embry-riddle. Okay. So I kept that pamphlet and considered embry-riddle as my top choice. Because my friend said it was good. Unfortunately, I never felt like writing the college essays. I never applied to any of the big schools. Actually, I applied to Harvard for dental school, just for fun, but that's another story. I had no dreams, no vision, no desire as a high school senior. Yet I was at the top of my class. I stayed within the top 4 all throughout. 1, 2 for most of it. Dropped to 4 during senior year, that's where I graduated. A girl with no dreams, the top of her class, pretending to want to go to the college that her friend chose for her. I never applied though. I never applied anywhere in the beginning. I just...graduated. I got a local scholarship, so I decided to just take some classes at the community college, later I transferred to the university. Just because. That's what I did. In college, the guys flocked to me. I was confused. Why is everyone trying to talk to me, I'm trying to sit here in peace and study. Why are you guys staring at me? Why are you coming up to me? Will people just leave me alone? Where is my friend, dammit? I started to hate going to the community college because I couldn't walk up to the damn building without seeing at least one guy who I shot down. Why did I shoot everyone down? Because I didn't care about dating. Then along came E, and he came up to me as I sat on the couch in the lounge, wearing a Tool shirt and a hat. I was cool. He liked Tool, too. He soon became my guy who I cared for, but it never really came to be. Over many years. He was a little off and had some big opinions on conspiracies and stuff, but god he was beautiful. My friend said he was crazy. He was crazy, but I liked his crazy. I never had sex with him, because I never thought about sex, because I didn't care. He went in and out of my life from maybe ages 18-25. I think I saw him last right before I went away to dental school. He would call or text me. He always had a new number, but mine never changes. Same with this other guy, C, who I have mentioned. I can't believe I have never mentioned E. I might have. One day he called me, he wasn't doing well. He was basically living on the streets, he got kicked out of home. He had gotten some disease I think, too. I met up with him, we went to see a movie. I paid, we ate. That was maybe the last time I saw him. I remember a time before that, before he had gotten so thin and confused and more conspiracy talk and voices, I had met up with him, and I was more sexually active. I wanted to have sex with him, he was my first real love interest and he just would come and go, but I had him, in his bed. We had spent the day together, and with his friends, having fun. But he didn't want to have sex, he said something about how we should be in love to do so. Not people in general, but us, because of who we were to each other, and the timing was off. I respected his decision. I've searched for him online, I believe he is in Arizona now. Just as well. I have a picture of him still, looking beautiful and crazy, maybe 18 years old. He was younger than me, too, by two years. Hahah..I met him when he was 16. Ahh the memories. I am taking a long tangent. I cared about him, but he was never steady in my life. Nobody was. And then came T, and he changed everything. He paid attention to me. He listened to me. He spent time with me, he made me feel more. The short amount of time that I was involved with him, I learned a lot about myself. Or maybe it was the time period after he left me. I loved him. I can honestly say that I loved him. Of everybody who has come and gone out of my life, I had him, so so briefly, and he made me love him. But he was not mine to love. He was the one who changed it all. I wanted to be with him. Did I envision a future with him? Still, no. But I could have. But he is the one who fucked me up for everyone else. A combination of T and E and C, but T was the one I fell for, and he left. And I never recovered...maybe I have, I don't know. It was forever ago now. But it took a long time to heal. It took years of maybe he will find me again. Maybe he will come to me and apologize. He had told me that he was afraid that he would hurt me. So did MG. Well. So here I am today, thinking about myself and reflecting upon the past, and thinking, why am I always alone? Why don't I ever care enough? When I do care, it doesn't matter. I care about the wrong people. But there still isn't a significant part of me that says ok, now go get married and have kids...but I kind of want to now. And I have spent so long essentially not caring and not planning and not setting myself up for anything but school and work. Any relationships along the way, I barely consider. I still laugh at the fact that I dated somebody for four years, lived with him for 2-3 of those years, and completely forgot that I dated him when somebody asked me about past relationships a couple years back. I skipped him when I talked about the guys, my sister had to remind me. The whole time I was dating him, I was focused on school and on getting into dental school anyways. My point is...one mega-entry later, I fail at expressing my interest, possibly because of the way things turned out with a lot of the more influential relationships of my past. And now I don't know how to be loved. I know how to be fucked, as a result of all this, I have slept with my share of guys. I certainly know how to handle that. But I don't know how to be loved, or how to encourage love to maybe reconsider me, and I am trying to create the dream that I never had of having my own guy and family. It is still hard to say because it isn't me, so to speak. I don't do that. I go to school and I read and I write. I don't plan the future, the future just happens. Ah. So I have solved my dilemma. I just have to let it happen, if it is supposed to happen. It will fall into my lap, like the guys did, like high school did, like college did, like the scholarship did, like dental school did, like the dental scholarship did, like my office team did. I put in the work, and then the world takes over. T taught me to express myself more. He did make me feel special. He introduced me to our lady peace and cold stone ice cream. Remembering him always makes me smile, he had a nice smile. It also always makes me tear up a little, because he gave me hope, he made me care, he held me close, and then... he disappeared. I waited, I gave it time; I understood the situation, and I waited. And I never heard from him again. I'll just let the world take it from here. Good night. 11:13 p.m. - 2015-05-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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