silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Boomerang I drove out to LA and back today. Left home just before 8 a.m., arrived back home around 11 p.m. A couple of my girlfriends wanted me to stay and hang out, but in my head it really wasn't the occasion. I drove down to pay respects to our friend, not to make it a fun weekend trip. It was very sad of course. I cried, several of us did. Everyone, I'm sure. And then the girls say, "I'm so excited to see you again!" when we just saw eachother maybe a month or two ago, and again, this ISNT the occasion to be excited to see eachother. They just...I don't know. Or maybe as always I am just being a bitch. I love the girls, but my reason to drive down was for the girl who passed, not social hour. I should appreciate that there are people who want to spend time with me, but still. Anyways, we did dinner together and then I drove off, after listening to them continue to try to convince me to stay. My mind was set on returning home, it wasn't going to work. Also, when I say no, I mean no. If I do not want to do something, that means I do not want to do it, simple as that. I'll calm down now. They whined about me coming back for a trip, so I have to find the time to squeeze in another trip to hang out with them. My head is going to explode with all of my obligations and commitments. I need personal time. Best of luck finding it. I think about other things, like relationships, mine with men, dating or whatever. And I think, what is the point anymore? Especially with me saying how I feel, who cares? Why does it matter how I feel? I don't need it, any of it. I don't care what I want, or what lies some fairy tale or book or movie or song presented to me about everyone having their someone. Not for everyone. And then people find someone, and they have them for a few years, and then their special someone all of a sudden dies, and then you are lost, and then what? Start over? Find another someone? What is the point of anything, the adventure? The experience? I suppose the point is to ultimately bring in new life, so those lives can experience the same thing. I am pessimistic today. I'll blame nature or whatever. I am certain tomorrow I will be a ray of sunshine and glittering happiness, because I have to be around people, and that is what they want from me. I have realized that my mom doesn't know what to do or say to me when I am sad and reflective and crying. My dad doesn't know either. I think it is because I appear to be so damn happy go lucky, and it is unexpected when I slip up and emote sadness. For their sakes, I try not to do it, but again, tis a slip. Anyways. I'm going to sleep now. 12:05 a.m. - 2015-10-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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