silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Awaken Some people are really good at fucking up your self-esteem or self-confidence. I know that I make dumb choices sometimes and get involved with the wrong people and do silly things. But I am generally kind and respectful to others. I acknowledge them and am considerate. I realize that I give some people too much credit that they genuinely do not deserve. What's the point in being nice to some people? I guess I should be bitchy more often. What's the point of being kind and giving time and being a shoulder to lean on, of being there when requested or supposedly needed, what's the point of anything half the damn time? I have noticed lately that I just need a break. From certain people, from many people. Not to be a loner and completely isolated or anything, but I just don't want to see some people these days. I love my friends, but I need to be away from a lot of them. There are people who just want to hold you back or see you fail. People who enjoy having you around for entertainment value and purposes, but when it comes down to something significant or if I feel the need to catch contact with them, it's the end of the fuckin world to communicate. And honestly, a lot of this rant for the moment has to do with communication and common courtesy. And being a decent human being. But I give some people too much credit and I don't give myself enough of it. I work too hard and I give up too much of my time, and I sleep too little and I care too much to allow myself to be inferior to anybody, or to let anybody make me feel like less of a person or more of a nuisance. All I do is care. I refuse to put on display the vast range of emotions that come along with caring, but I fuckin care, and I give too much of myself and there isn't much of a return. Not that I expect anything in particular, aside from simple acknowledgement and communication. I need to stop giving credit and excuses to the people and places where it simply doesn't belong. I clearly need to give up on some people, but at the same time just re-evaluate what I have going on with other people and with myself. So anyways. I am going on a hiatus. A task which will be daunting and difficult considering the fact that I am a social butterfly and thrive in company. I am going to choose more wisely who I end up giving my time to, and why. I would rather be alone and keep to myself than get involved with some of these social adventures with the crew. So I am going to step back. It could and should be better for all parties involved. I spend most of my time with this group of guys, and I'm sure me being there is a bit of a cock block to some of them. Those guys are on their never ending quest to get laid, and although I enjoy the same pursuit, I don't oft want to find a guy for the night, some random at the bar. Although evidently I should just go for that, but I digress. I don't want to be around them for a while. Any of them. They are great people, but I need a break. So does my pocketbook, these outings are pricey. Maybe I can spend one on one time with them, but other than that, I don't want to see anyone in the group setting. I actually am excited to hide like this. I know RO won't be happy with it, but I will just keep my intentions undisclosed. It's not even just that group. Some of my other groups too, I just put too much into my friendships, and it's so ...pointless. Or people try to give me unsought advice, tell me what I should or shouldn't do. Who I should or shouldn't interact with. What I or other people should or shouldn't be thinking. I think instead, I am just going to shut down, take a bath, drink some wine, read a book. Listen to music. Watch some movies. Turn off my phone, ignore the world. What is prompting this rush of negativity and emotions? Too much, to be honest. Way too much. I find myself wanting to reach for contact with someone I shouldn't want to talk to, just for comfort and solace. I don't have any shoulders to cry on. Everything is a joke. Everyone expects me to be happy go lucky and silly and goofy. I claim to be heartless, but I do have a heart too, and I have my fuckin moments, and it would be nice to have somebody neutral to meet up with for a couple drinks and just sit and talk, and not just about them. It would be nice to switch things around and talk about myself for once with my friends. MG was actually a good person to talk to. I miss our friendship. I am supposed to see him Saturday morning for a class, but I might not attend due to a scheduling conflict. He would literally let me cry on his shoulder if I asked him. But I do not desire to cry. And I cannot actively pursue friendship with him again. We cannot re-establish that. I still didn't say what really prompted this damn line of thinking. It has been a long week. A couple good things happened last weekend, but it washed away. At least I can hold on to a memory, even if it was pointless. Something good and nice happens, followed by a reality check I suppose. It's ok. I need the reality check here and there. Can't go on being delusional and thinking that certain people are truly decent out there. They show their true faces when they get comfortable. That's the face I should memorize. Anyways. I give up. I will attempt to sleep again. I keep waking up after about two hours of sleep. That's great to function off of. 2:52 a.m. - 2016-02-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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