silver4's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dismantle I just want things to be better. I want to make a good life for myself. I want to be in a good situation. Professionally, personally. I am so stressed right now. Sooo stressed. This house stuff. I am beginning to feel as if it would have been wiser to get the house before I started the office! They ask for so much more information and detail, way more than I believe they would have if I did not have the office. If I simply had my tax information from working for other companies, this nonsense would be over and done with by now. No regrets, right? No regrets. Sure, this is draining away any and all of the money that I have stashed away, but look on the bright side... I'll have a house. Right? I mean...I won't have any money to furnish the place for a couple months, and I'll be staring at every penny for a couple months...but I will be in a better housing situation. I feel like hitting up a casino or two this weekend to see if I can stretch out some dollars. I've had limited success before, turning $20 into $1000 on video poker. I don't dare play table games, I suck at those, or rather I actually just don't know how to play them so I avoid them. But if I can take a little bit of money to the machines and take some chances with it, heck. Could be worth it. I actually have a jar full of quarters just sitting there doing absolutely nothing. It's probably over $100 worth. I should hit up the coinstar machine, see what I come up with, and visit a casino. Yes, I have some resources. Yes, I am being dramatic, or overdramatizing slightly. But I do feel like I need to pinch my pennies now. Can't spend. Can't do anything but wait for the next round of paperwork. I want to curl up in a ball and cry and wait for it to all work itself out, but it won't. Because I am 34 years old, and I have to make it all happen on my own. Always. Now would be an excellent time for the love of my life to appear, sweep me off my feet, and help manage the situation. Bring me wine and cook me a steak. Where is that guy? As I sit around drinking chamomile tea and eating asparagus for dinner, he is off frolicking with the wrong woman right now. Or not doing anything... Who knows. You know, I have never been one to sit around and envision that life. I've always been of the mindset that I am to do everything on my own and there isn't anyone in particular out there to share my life with. Just my family and friends. Which is fine. It's ok. Everything will be handled just fine. I haven't been sleeping well lately. The stress isn't helping. My skin is freaking out. My mind is racing and I cannot seem to slow it down. I wish I could just shut down like some other people seem capable of doing. Clear the mind, stop thinking somehow. Everything will be fine, everything will work out. After all of the dust settles, I seriously need to take a vacation. Even if I don't go anywhere (although I want to), I can stay home and sleep. And continue sleeping. Fuck it. Once I move in, I will sedate myself and check out. I don't know why I insist on handling everything on my own. I am now channeling the U2 song "sometimes you can't make it on your own." Lovely song. I am just tired. I can handle everything. I will make sure to grab some quarters. 10:18 p.m. - 2016-02-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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